- Sam Drucker: Oh, guess who I was talking to long distance on the phone, not five minutes ago: Jimmy Stewart.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
- Lisa Douglas: Oh, I like him. Does he look as handsome on the phone as he does in the movies?
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: [asking how to help his pathetic corn plants] All right, you got any idea?
- Hank Kimball: Yeah, why don't you shoot it and put it out of its misery?
- James Stuart: [to Oliver, in the cornfield] Is this corn your worst crop?
- Lisa Douglas: Yes, if you don't look at the soybeans and the beet.
- Mr. Haney: [Oliver interrupts his first meeting of the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce] Mr. Douglas, you got a belt buckle?
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
- Mr. Haney: Well, then would you sit down?
- Sam Drucker: Sorry, no speeches without a belt buckle.
- Doris Ziffel: [picks up phone] Hello, Drucker's store, Sam's playing checkers, call back later.
- [hangs up]
- Mr. Haney: [Haney has made a fake film camera out of a box and some cans] I refer you to this tomato can which is playing the part of a lens. Everything is make believe in Hollywood. Now the first thing for the amateur actor to remember is: never look into the tomato can.
- Mr. Haney: Yes, Mrs. Douglas, take it from an old trooper: just talk into the sardine can, and the tomato can will always find you.