House M.D. (TV Series)

Paternity (2004)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : [examining a baby whose mother isn't vaccinating him because she feels it's a scam; House takes the child's stuffed frog]  All natural, no dyes. It's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and development. And the worst that a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get 'em in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

• John Funsten : You've caused me considerable mental distress.

  Dr. Gregory House : I certainly hope so.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

• Dr. Gregory House : Dr. Foreman. I assume you found the kid.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : He almost walked off the roof.

  Dr. Gregory House : Suicidal?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : No, he thought he was on his lacrosse field. Look... look, I was just gonna run home, shower, change...

  Dr. Gregory House : Conscious?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Yeah.

  Dr. Gregory House : How'd you talk him down?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Actually. Chase tackled him.

  Dr. Gregory House : How come YOU didn't do it?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : [laughs ironically]  Right, well, I am black, but he was closer.

• Dan's Father : No! No, we took him to the ER after the game, he was scanned, they tested him, said he was fine. No concussions - it's gotta be something else.

  Dr. Gregory House : You hound me for my opinion and then you question my diagnosis. Cool.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cameron]  Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

• Dr. Gregory House : [talking to a patient who likes to sue doctors, but now needs one]  It's ironic, isn't it? Sort of like the boy who *sued* wolf. You know, I bet we have a doctor here named Wolf. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him.

• Dr. Gregory House : When did my signature get so girly?

  Dr. Allison Cameron : I can explain.

• Dr. Gregory House : Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : From what I've read, false paternity is more like ten percent.

  Dr. Gregory House : That's what our moms would LIKE us to believe.

• Dr. Gregory House : Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting patients - they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?

  Dr. Gregory House : Doesn't sound like me.

  Dr. James Wilson : Well it does, actually, but it doesn't mean you're guilty.

• Dr. Gregory House : [berating the parents]  Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole, wide world?

• Dr. Gregory House : [seeing Dan on a computer screen]  General Hospital is on channel 6.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.

• Dan's Mother : How can you just sit there?

  Dr. Gregory House : If I eat standing up, I spill.