- Kevin: And then I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's face, and I wondered..."Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?"
- Joan: I'm not... pregnant.
- Luke: Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...
- Joan: Mom.
- Luke: Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...
- Joan: [covering ears] Ewwwww!
- Will Girardi: We've, uh, got no water.
- Joan: Why?
- Will Girardi: Because we've got no water. If you want the technical explanation, ask the plumber in our bathroom.
- Will Girardi: Hey, thank your boss for that great editorial.
- Kevin: What editorial?
- Will Girardi: Well, the one that called me a racist.
- Luke: I-I have heard you mention that Asians drive badly.
- Kevin: The editorial didn't call you a racist. It called your policies racist.
- Will Girardi: So you're familiar with it.
- Kevin: Dad, my job is to verify the facts for everything written on the op-ed page, and the facts check out.
- Will Girardi: Now my son thinks I'm a racist?
- Kevin: Policies, dad, not you.
- Will Girardi: I'm not defending myself to you.
- Kevin: Me, either.
- Will Girardi: I'm not a racist.
- Kevin: The facts checked out, dad.
- Joan: You left a pregnancy test in the wastebasket.
- Helen Girardi: Why would you go digging through the garbage?
- Joan: I didn't. Luke did. He thought it was mine.
- Helen Girardi: Why? Are you sexually active?
- Joan: Why would you think that?
- Helen Girardi: Well, Luke thought it, and evidently, he's a genius.
- Joan: Not at everything.
- Joan: I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?
- Proctor God: Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?
- Joan: Well, you know everything. Why don't you tell me?
- Proctor God: Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself, of ending up like Kevin.
- Joan: Yeah. Maybe she's right.
- Proctor God: Balderdash. You've always been a headstrong, brave child, not overly concerned with your own well-being; a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgment might entail consequences; consequences like those...
- Joan: Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive. I mean... isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?
- Proctor God: Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being. It means risking others'. In cars, in love, in family, hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others, even when you don't want to.
- Joan: Then there's a flaw in the design, and whose fault is that?
- Proctor God: It might help if you think of the universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design. It's just...
- Joan: Obstacles?
- Proctor God: Time's up.
- [Rebecca Askew, a reporter at the newspaper where Kevin works, has written an unfavourable article about Will]
- Rebecca Askew: How was breakfast this morning?
- Kevin: Tasty.
- Rebecca Askew: I meant with your father.
- Kevin: Testy.