- Nina Van Horn: Friends, clear your calendars. Two nights from tonight, the A&E network is airing my Biography.
- Maya Gallo: Oh, Nina. That's great.
- Dennis Finch: Bottom of the Barrel Week continues, with Nina Van Horn.
- Nina Van Horn: It's called Comeback Week, you little hedgehog.
- Dennis Finch: Oh! Did you know the hedgehog at the zoo is pregnant? Artificial insemination.
- Nina Van Horn: Maya, you're blonde.
- Maya Gallo: Yes.
- Nina Van Horn: Wow! And may I say, you look hot.
- Maya Gallo: Thank you, Nina. That's so sweet.
- [after Nina leaves, Maya speaks into her tape recorder]
- Maya Gallo: Women are jealous, feel threatened by new me.
- Nina Van Horn: Just think, a TV show dedicated entirely to me. Just me. Me, me, me. It's really quite humbling.
- Dennis Finch: Calm down. They also did one on Yosemite Sam.
- Dennis Finch: Of course, I had a secret that no one could have ever guessed.
- Jack Gallo: You were in love with her.
- Dennis Finch: I was in love with her.
- Nina Van Horn: Dear God, I know that it would be selfish of me to ask for this man to live, but if you could just allow him to linger until nine o'clock tonight - eight o'clock Central - I would be forever grateful. Hail Mary, the Holy Ghost... David and Goliath, and all the rest of them. Amen.
- Jack Gallo: Dennis, what are you doing?
- [sees him staring at a blond woman bent over]
- Jack Gallo: Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.
- Dennis Finch: Jack, don't...
- Jack Gallo: Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't apreciate the view.
- Dennis Finch: You're the boss.
- Jack Gallo: Oh, yes. Come to daddy.
- [the woman turns around; it's Maya]
- Maya Gallo: Oh, morning, dad.
- Dennis Finch: Want me to drive you uptown so you can hit on you mom?
- Dennis Finch: She's here. What do I do?
- Jack Gallo: Listen to your head, but don't be afraid to follow your heart.
- Dennis Finch: Yeah, right. Guy doesn't even recognize his own daughter.
- Elliot DiMauro: There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy. It's healthy. Shows I'm willing to be intimate with you.
- Maya Gallo: What was I, some tattooed floozy in thigh-high boots you picked up on some bar?
- Elliot DiMauro: No.
- Maya Gallo: Then what?
- Elliot DiMauro: A naked blonde stranger who wanted to have sex with me. Men don't need all that extra stuff.
- Nicole: Ow! Ow! Put me down!
- Justin: Then how am I supposed to lift you up?
- Dennis Finch: You don't lift her. You allow her to fly!
- Nicole: Dennis, you came. Justin, this is the guy who's going to help us.
- Justin: Help us do what? Find the Lucky Charms?
- Maya Gallo: How did the aquarium shoot go?
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, they threw us out. Apparently, my flash enraged the giant squid.
- Maya Gallo: Elliot, we need to talk.
- Elliot DiMauro: Not now. I'm busy.
- Maya Gallo: You're eating pudding.
- Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I'm fantasizing it's Jello.
- Dennis Finch: Does Elliot know?
- Maya Gallo: Not yet. He's in a photo shoot at the Bronx Zoo.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, did you hear the rhino there has a pet kitten named Rocky? You learn a lot if you rent the headsets.
- Maya Gallo: How was the zoo shoot?
- Elliot DiMauro: Terrible. None of the animals wanted to come out, except for a spider monkey who spent the whole day pleasuring himself. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down.
- Maya Gallo: [steps in with her blonde hair] Are you sure?
- Elliot DiMauro: Then again, you snooze, you lose.
- Jack Gallo: So, how is your friend enjoying my new flat-screen TV?
- Nicole: Actually, my father just bought...
- Jack Gallo: Well, this one's better.
- Nurse: How are we doing, Mr. McMahon?
- Ed McMahon: Get this religious freak out of here!
- Nina Van Horn: Ed, you're alive! I brought you out of your coma!
- Ed McMahon: Coma? You said it was a concussion!