Just Shoot Me! (TV Series)

How the Finch Stole Christmas (1998)

Kelsey Grammer: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : In a borough just north of the island of Staten / Neath the towers that tower over the isle of Manhattan / Streets were aglitter like a sequined drag queen / And Christmas joy was aflush at Blush magazine / The workers wrapped presents with a nip and a tuck / Everyone was happy...

  Maya Gallo : God, people suck!

• Narrator : He expressed his displeasure with color and flair / Using words that our censors would not let us share.

• Narrator : Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.

  Dennis Finch : That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

  Narrator : For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.

  Elliot DiMauro : "To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?

  Narrator : But the Finch is clever, he always survives.

  Dennis Finch : [Pulls on fire alarm]  Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!

  Narrator : And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.

  Persky : Thank you, sir?

• Narrator : Finch opened his present with great anticipation / Everyone had pitched in, so he had high expectations / He opened the bag, it made his blood curdle / His gift was a calendar shaped like a turtle.

  Dennis Finch : "Turtles of the World"?

  Narrator : He said with great rage / Turtles and turtles on every page.

• Narrator : We now return to the office of Blush / Where Finch has just accused Nina of being a lush.

• Narrator : And then a thought popped into his head / A thought full of evil and malice and dread.

  Dennis Finch : I'll teach them a lesson. Oh, yes.

  Narrator : ...the evil Finch ranted / This is one Finch who would not be taken for granted / He asked for a yard, and they gave him an inch / So this year, Christmas would be stolen by a Finch.

• Narrator : For Nina, a gift she would surely despise /Some cheap wrinkle cream, industrial size / Now it was Elliot's turn to get his digs / For the bald man, a set of flowing blond wigs / For Maya and Jack, gifts equally vicious / The Finch's revenge would be awfully delicious.