- Boomhauer: [Peggy's dream about Hank's funeral] Dang ol' why? why?
- Dale Gribble: It shoulda been Bill.
- Hank Hill: [at Soy to the World health food store] Do you have anything that tastes good?
- health food store clerk: Hmm... uh... no.
- Dr. Morley: You know, it's possible to live a normal, healthy, slightly less active life without a colon. You just can't wear shorts.
- [Hank's friends in the alley are trying to come up with a solution for his situation]
- Dale Gribble: Here's one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank. You take a spoonful of bacon grease...
- Hank Hill: I'm not eating bacon grease!
- Dale Gribble: You didn't let me finish.
- Hank Hill: Look, honey, we've gotta talk. I know you wanna help, but this is getting out of control. You can't treat a grown man like a baby. It ain't right. I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately. Eating food I don't eat -- and I'm just not gonna do it anymore. And if I don't ever poop again then that's just gonna be who I am. I'd rather die with a burger in my colon than live and eat FauxFu.
- [in Peggy's nightmare of Hank's funeral, C. Everett Koop is the eulogizer]
- C. Everett Koop: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.
- [Everyone present does so. Hank's coffin is lowered into the ground. Cotton stands triumphant over the hole, next to Hank's tombstone which has a toilet handle]
- Cotton Hill: G'bye, boy! See you in Hell!
- [flushes the coffin]
- Luanne Platter: [Suggesting a acupuncturist] He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
- Hank Hill: Anyone tries that on me, and I'll kick his ass.
- [Later in the episode, he does so]
- [last lines; the credits roll in front of Hank's yard and he pulls up on a lawnmower to talk directly to camera]
- Hank Hill: You might've noticed in tonight's episode, there was some brief nudity. Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it. And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump. You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more. If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry. Good night.