- Bobby Hill: Why are you always trying to turn me into you? Why can't you accept me for who I am?
- Hank: [sighs] Yeah yeah, we both saw that after-school special, but I'm not an alcoholic and you're not an ice skater, so let's go.
- Bobby Hill: Dad how did you know this was going to happen?
- Hank: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.
- [upon finding Luanne in bed with a boy]
- Hank: I'm in a crisis situation; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.
- Hank: It's really our fault, Peggy. Somewhere along the line, we forgot to teach Bobby shame. I guess we can't count on the schools for everything.