- Dale: Open up your eyes, man. They're tryin' to control global warmin'. Get it? Glo-bal.
- Hank: So what?
- Dale: That's code for UN commissars tellin' Americans what temperature it's gonna be in our outdoors. I say, let the world warm up. We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
- Hank: Dale, you giblet head. We live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Hank: What you listening to, son?
- Bobby Hill: I don't think you'd like it.
- Hank: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music.
- [puts on Bobby's headphones]
- Person on Phone: [phone rings] Hello?
- [a farting sound occurs]
- Hank: Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?
- Bobby Hill: I bought it at the mall. It's the funny phone jerks.
- Hank: Let me tell you, Bobby. There's nothing funny about these sounds. What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
- Hank: Now you listen here. You see that boy? That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear you a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon.
- Luanne Platter: Mama's in jail. She was savin' a quart of beer for before bed and Daddy threw it out and she went after him with a fork and the trailer tipped over and everything went upside down and it's all gonna be on "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol" and the wig I styled for beauty academy is ruined. What am I gonna do, Uncle Hank?
- Hank: [to Page] Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a living. And I mean real work. Not writing down gobbledygook. I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. When I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars... going to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you...
- [Hank is becoming so angry his face is turning colors]
- Hank: it just makes me want to... God, it just...
- [to Peggy]
- Hank: Honey, bring me my BC Headache Powder and a glass of water.
- [back to Page]
- Hank: Now, you listen here. You see that boy? That's my boy. And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God... I'll tear you a new one bigger than the Grand Canyon. Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here. I mean now, before I give you a black eye! GIT!
- [Bobby is spraying Hank with a hose and Hank is fighting his instinct not to lose it]
- Bobby Hill: [sing-song] You can't do nothing, you can't do nothing...
- [Hank is lying on the bed, despondent]
- Hank: It's hard, Peggy. I don't want to lose my little boy, my only son. But, oh, it's hard.
- Peggy Hill: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week only, Bobby didn't tell us.
- Hank: [bolts upright] I'LL KILL HIM!
- [Hank chases Page out of the house]
- Anthony Page: You are out of control!
- Hank: [slaps Page's car] You're out of control, Twiggy!