- Phil: All the theaters in Hollywood wanna do comedies and this is a serious piece.
- Brian: What's this serious piece is about, Phil?
- Phil: Well, it's about a writer who writes for a late night television.
- Paula: Ooh it's about you!
- Phil: No, no. I knew you would say that but it's loosely based on me. But it's very dark. This guy's addicted to crack and I have a scene where he can't decide to kill himself or, or to masturbate.
- Paula: How could you deny that's about you?
- Phil: Please come because if you don't come I might start doing crack again.
- Sandra Bernhard: I think you taint on me on purpose.
- Hank Kingsley: Ok, is that it?
- Sandra Bernhard: If that's the atittude, fuck you!
- Hank Kingsley: No, fuck... fuck you. And remember when you're out there you're sitting on Larry's chair.
- Sandra Bernhard: And you got it! I'm sitting behind that desk for next two weeks.
- Hank Kingsley: Well, I'll be sitting next to you.
- Sandra Bernhard: Ooh it's gonna be a fucking party, isn't it?
- Larry Sanders: Who the fuck planted this? What the fuck is going on down there?
- Beverly Barnes: It's Sandra's manager, Larry. She's evil and fat and she wants your show.
- [first lines]
- Arthur: Gentlemen, Larry is on vacation. Our guest host will be the imcoparable Sandra Bernhard.
- Hank Kingsley: I thought the guest host would be a surprise.
- Arthur: Did you know Sandra was going to host the show?
- Hank Kingsley: No.
- Arthur: Surprise!
- Hank Kingsley: She's hosted the show 11 times already.
- Arthur: Well, surprise! She's going to do it again.
- Arthur: Now, one of tonight's guest will be Gloria Steinem. So, if Mrs. Steinem talks to one of you be helpful, be cooperative but above all say nothing. She's still a journalist.
- Hank Kingsley: She was a feminist.
- Paula: What if she asks us questions?
- Arthur: There are your answers: You love your job, you love the guests but most of all you love Larry. Let's hear it.
- Brian: We love our job.
- Paula: We love the guests.
- Hank Kingsley: I swear to God I forgot what the last thing was.
- Arthur: Just stay away from her, Hank.
- Hank Kingsley: Why? I am a big supporter of women's rights.
- Paula: [Phil spits his drink] Oh give me a break!
- Phil: Yeah Hank, maybe you could show your video when you're supporting one woman's rights while the other woman is blowing you.
- Arthur: Let's go work!
- [leaves the room]
- Brian: [to Phil] You are such an asshole.
- Phil: Hey Brian!
- Brian: Hey Phil.
- Phil: Listen, I've got you and your friends to come to my play...
- Brian: Oh yeah?
- Phil: So you all got to do is pick up at the box office and please come because I have a review from the LA Weekly coming.
- Brian: Oh, you mean Fred Schenkel, I know that guy.
- Phil: You know him?
- Brian: Yeah.
- Phil: Oh if that guy gives me a good review I'll pay him a thousand bucks. Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him.
- Brian: Phil, that's not funny.
- Phil: I'm not being funny. I mean, if he gives me a good review I will blow him.
- Brian: Oh you will? You will... get down on your knees and put his penis in your mouth?
- Phil: Well, since you put it that way it's not so appealing.
- Brian: Yeah. Exactly. Huh? Huh?
- Larry Sanders: Listen, I've gotta get those tickets to Phil's play.
- Beverly Barnes: Oh it closed on Friday.
- Larry Sanders: I thought it opened on Friday.
- Beverly Barnes: Well, the oddest thing happened in the middle of the second act. A car flew off the freeway and crashed to the wall of the teather and took out the first couple of rows.
- Arthur: Fortunately, no one was there.
- Larry Sanders: Well, he sure seems to be handling pretty well.
- Beverly Barnes: He's on crack.