- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger begins the West Point entrance exam] "Mary's mother sent her to the store to get nine large cans of beans. Mary could only carry two cans at a time. How many trips to the store did Mary have to make?"
- [Klinger gets nervous]
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir, do I get time for coffee breaks?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Negative. You have three hours.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It'll take most of that to answer this question.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: What kind of a family would only feed their children beans?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir, I'm pleading with you. Help me get just one thing right.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: All right. I shouldn't do this... You spell Klinger with one "G".
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh. Thank you, sir. I was nervous. Now, about these Eskimos.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: No dice, kid.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You mean I've washed out?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: First thing you've got right all day.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You'll never believe what I'm gonna tell you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Then why listen? Where were we?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Snickering] Pierce, sometimes you can be very amusing.
- [Serious]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: And then there's now.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: BJ and I will be proctoring you.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I already had my physical.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What am I gonna do? I can't beg, I can't borrow, I can't catch the guy who knows how to steal.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Charles...
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Don't bother asking, Pierce. The answer's still no.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: How do you know I'm gonna ask for money again?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Oh. All right. What is it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Can I borrow 400?