- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about the paralyzed kid] It's disgraceful, a US solder crawling on the ground.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Tell that to the infantry, Frank...
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
- Captain John McIntyre: Aw Frank, are you going to your mother again?
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, I hate to bother you, but can you tell me where the key is to my liquor cabinet?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [groggy] It's under the back porch.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, we don't have a back porch.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'll order you one in the morning.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I outrank you corpsman, I can have you punished.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We'll do you one better, we'll sew your helmet to your head.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: You two are going to pay for this!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Not on our salary.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You're supposed to sign these release papers for these patients' releasal.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I don't understand a word you say, but I'll fight to the death your right to confuse me.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's very simple, Colonel. Either you ship Travis out or the major and I will simply have to go over your head.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, you've done that so many times, I've got athlete's scalp.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Aren't you gonna read your letter?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, I get sort of carsick when I read in bed. Would you, for me?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, it's from a young lady. It might be intimate or personal.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, that's okay. I don't know anybody personally.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, all right, but rest assured, I won't listen to a word I read.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar? Can you hear me? It's me.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [having a fever dream] I'm sorry about the car, Dad. I had to swerve to miss the lake.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: So whatever Major Houlihan says is what I feel. Anything I could add would be of little consequence.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I won't argue with you there, Frank.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's about Corporal Travis. Because of your orders, we're having to change his bed around the clock.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, you have my permission to move the clock.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: What I need is another drink.
- Captain John McIntyre: What's the matter with the one you got?
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Oh.
- [picks up the glass and downs the whole drink]
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: For one thing, it's gone.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [seeing Radar's hand] Hey, that's a nasty scratch. Whoever she is, you better tell her to clip her nails or file her teeth. Or both.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, I was wrong.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [smiling] You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
- Rosie: I'll bring you something special to eat.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, no, thanks, Mrs. Rosie. I'm not feeling very hungry in the future.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about reading a medical journal] Well, the Travis case has convinced me that I should keep up with the latest medical practices.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very good, Frank.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: For instance, this article says a surgeon should base his fee on 5% of the patient's yearly income.
- [Hawkeye and Trapper fling pillows at3him]