M*A*S*H (TV Series)

No Sweat (1981)

Jamie Farr: Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Klinger : I couldn't sleep, sir. The heat, sir.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : That's one I can buy. It must be extra tropical for you, toting around that permanent vicuna coat.

  [Klinger has dismantled the P.A. system] 

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Perhaps you would explain the fall out from the Motorola plant.

  Klinger : I took the P.A. system apart, sir.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : What in blazes for? We need that contraption.

  Klinger : I know that full well, my bleary eyed boss. I figured the middle of the night would be the perfect time to get some on-the-job training for my new mail-order course.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : In what? Office demolition?

  Klinger : No, sir, electronics. Some day this little shootout is going to end, and when this Johnny comes marching home, it will be with a screwdriver in his hand.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : You gonna fix radios?

  Klinger : No, sir, television. The wave of the future. Which, thanks to good old Yankee know-how, will mean busted sets by the millions. And Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwinds of outrageous repair prices.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Mark this, Marconi: when Reville blows, this system better be working or you'll be spending the rest of this war on the roof, screaming messages at the top of your furry lungs.

• Klinger : [Klinger has taken apart the PA system. The parts are scattered across the floor]  Do you know anything about PA systems?

  Charles : Only that they convey sound at a greatly increased volume, if they have not been dismantled by a "cretin" who doesn't know how to put them back together again.

• Klinger : [Describing carbon paper]  Without this black gold, I might as well close up shop. The rest is in the safe.

  Charles : [sarcastically]  Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years it will turn into diamonds.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : [Klinger fixes the P.A. system which is unknowingly in the 'on' position]  Who's sick?

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : [Half asleep]  I have two grandchildren myself.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Sir, please try to understand, it's Margaret. I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Oh, I get it. A bad case of keister itch.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Well you could call it that, sir.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : I sure gotta sympathize with you on that one. Ain't nothing more bothersome than a case of the ol' fanny fungus. With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Oh, really, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : I don't know how bad off your wazoo is, but I'll bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had during the big war.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Sir, send the chopper...

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : We were pinned down near Chantilly, and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet fox hole. I'll never forget it.

  [The entire camp bursts out laughing at the conversation] 

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : No matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the ol' back porch just keeps burning. Must be hell for you to trying to sit or sleep...

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Wait a minute...Is this stupid P.A. on?! Klinger, you idiot!

  Klinger : Major, wait! Oh no, please don't. It took me three hours to fix that--

  [Smash!] 

  Klinger : [Camp continues laughing] 

• Klinger : Order us a helicopter!

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : [Half asleep]  Oh, no! I'm not that hungry!

• Klinger : [on the phone]  I-Corps? Great. This is MASH 4077. Hold on for Colonel Potter.

  [to Potter] 

  Klinger : Order for the morning.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : [in a stupor]  Hello, room service? Send up a couple of poached eggs, a bowl of prunes...

  Klinger : Sir, a helicopter. Order a helicopter.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : No, thanks. I'm not that hungry.

• Klinger : Anything I can do to help?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.

  Klinger : The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : So get him to authorize it.

  Klinger : Yes, sir.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.