- Klinger: I couldn't sleep, sir. The heat, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: That's one I can buy. It must be extra tropical for you, toting around that permanent vicuna coat.
- [Klinger has dismantled the P.A. system]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Perhaps you would explain the fall out from the Motorola plant.
- Klinger: I took the P.A. system apart, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: What in blazes for? We need that contraption.
- Klinger: I know that full well, my bleary eyed boss. I figured the middle of the night would be the perfect time to get some on-the-job training for my new mail-order course.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: In what? Office demolition?
- Klinger: No, sir, electronics. Some day this little shootout is going to end, and when this Johnny comes marching home, it will be with a screwdriver in his hand.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You gonna fix radios?
- Klinger: No, sir, television. The wave of the future. Which, thanks to good old Yankee know-how, will mean busted sets by the millions. And Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwinds of outrageous repair prices.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Mark this, Marconi: when Reville blows, this system better be working or you'll be spending the rest of this war on the roof, screaming messages at the top of your furry lungs.
- Charles: [Sorting out his tax returns] As of last Tuesday, our C.P.A. is a certified public enemy. Having been incarcerated on five counts of fraud, two counts of embezzlement, and countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot...account.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. She's only human, you know. First it's the gutters, then he says, "Is there anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicut?" And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg".
- [stares at Margaret]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Follows B.J.'s glance towards Margaret, then turns back to nurse] Some fun, huh, Joanne? Over here we got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.
- [Margaret stops dead]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [To Margaret, half asleep] I hope you got the chopper so you could make copies of it with the carbon paper.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Klinger fixes the P.A. system which is unknowingly in the 'on' position] Who's sick?
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Half asleep] I have two grandchildren myself.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, please try to understand, it's Margaret. I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh, I get it. A bad case of keister itch.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Well you could call it that, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I sure gotta sympathize with you on that one. Ain't nothing more bothersome than a case of the ol' fanny fungus. With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh, really, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I don't know how bad off your wazoo is, but I'll bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had during the big war.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, send the chopper...
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: We were pinned down near Chantilly, and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet fox hole. I'll never forget it.
- [The entire camp bursts out laughing at the conversation]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: No matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the ol' back porch just keeps burning. Must be hell for you to trying to sit or sleep...
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Wait a minute...Is this stupid P.A. on?! Klinger, you idiot!
- Klinger: Major, wait! Oh no, please don't. It took me three hours to fix that--
- [Smash!]
- Klinger: [Camp continues laughing]
- Klinger: [on the phone] I-Corps? Great. This is MASH 4077. Hold on for Colonel Potter.
- [to Potter]
- Klinger: Order for the morning.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [in a stupor] Hello, room service? Send up a couple of poached eggs, a bowl of prunes...
- Klinger: Sir, a helicopter. Order a helicopter.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: No, thanks. I'm not that hungry.
- Klinger: Anything I can do to help?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.
- Klinger: The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: So get him to authorize it.
- Klinger: Yes, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They said "join the army and see the world", so here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal from an American soldier in a Turkish bath. How are you doing, giggles?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Bitterly] How should I be doing?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'll have to excuse Andry Grump, ladies, he can't get his mind out of the gutter.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe this. How many times are you gonna read that letter from Peg?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What difference does it make to you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I was finally almost asleep. Luckily, you turned the light on again so I could watch myself wake up.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm sorry. I'm not sleepy.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we have to stay up all night playing "Turkey in the Oven." I lie here roasting, and you keep turning on the light to see if I'm done.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: What do you say, Beej? You starting to cool off?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Well, a little.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: That's the ticket. There's really nothin' to worry about, you know? Peg's a big girl. One way or another your gutters will get cleaned out, and everything will be just fine.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Yeah, she'll take care of it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Sure.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [chuckles] Probably better than if I were there to help. I'm sure she's becoming more self-sufficient all the time.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Matter of fact, by now, she probably gets along just fine without me. I might as well just stay away altogether! What the hell does she need me for anyway?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: You are a complete and total jerk! No wonder Peg is leaving you.
- Charles: I know the hour is late, sir, but I, I'm in the direst of straits.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Straight? My full house beats that.