- Major Charles Winchester: What are you two doing with my tub?
- Hawkeye: Yours?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What makes you think it's yours?
- Major Charles Winchester: Well, it's characteristic of my family to send me one.
- Hawkeye: We bought this from our relatives Abercrombie and Fitch.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: To make a long story short, Charles, you come out high and dry.
- Major Charles Winchester: Your middle-class sense of decency and fair play will overwhelm the malice you now bear me and soon I shall be luxuriating in that canvas Xanadu.
- Major Charles Winchester: And if that craps out, I'll just bribe you silly.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Sgt. Rhoden is trying to trade for the bath tub] No deal, Rhoden.
- Sergeant Rhoden: Hard sell, huh? Alright, here's something nobody can resist... stag films. Guaranteed to make a grown man blush.
- [looks at Radar]
- Sergeant Rhoden: 'Probably kill you.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Can we move along, sir? We've already had three servers faint from the steam.
- Hawkeye: I'll just have the salad. Brown lettuce?? What am I supposed to do with it, eat it or smoke it?
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You think that's brown? Look at that mayonnaise.
- Hawkeye: [dumps his food] Right back at you.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You want green, have the liver.
- Sergeant Rhoden: Boy I'll tell ya one thing, I sure am losing my touch. Last war, I talked you down to a can of spam.
- Hawkeye: And a can of spam.
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [In an immense heat, Klinger is wearing a rubber body suit] The latest in rubber reducing suits. I'm getting out of here if I have to go pint by pint.
- Col. Sherman Potter: Aren't you getting a little carried away, son?
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Oh I hope so, sir. But you alone have the power to save me. Let's face it, would a sane man abuse himself like this?
- Radar: Just looking at it makes my eyes woozy.
- Col. Sherman Potter: Klinger, this one is definitely in the running.
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Oh, be still my sweaty heart, I think I see daylight.
- Col. Sherman Potter: By golly, maybe you do. I'll tell you what, if you can stand being in a get-up like that for another 24 hours, you are the craziest man I've ever met.
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: You mean to say that-...
- Col. Sherman Potter: I mean to say that whatever is left of you can have that magic Section 8.
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [walks into Col. Potter's office] Sir, you're looking at a man who's slowly killing himself, and I must warn you, it's no thrill to behold
- Col. Sherman Potter: Not today, Klinger, I'm very close to my boiling point
- Radar: Klinger, you smell like the raccoon that died under our house
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: There's a method to my madness, O Short One of the Open Pores.
- Hawkeye: You wouldn't tell everybody about our tub, would you?
- Major Charles Winchester: Not if I'm in it.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Everybody's got 10 minutes, Major. If someone goes 11, I've got orders to shoot.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Runs in and sees the bathtub] I want it!
- Hawkeye: Women often have that reaction when they see me naked.