- Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: My girl Laverne, she said yes! She agreed to marry me!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Klinger, has she ever seen you?
- Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: We've been dating since high school. Of course she's seen me.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I mean recently.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm a doctor trying to marry a soldier in the middle of a war.
- Operator: That's sick.
- Lt. Louise Simmons: You don't give a girl a chance, do you?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: What?
- Lt. Louise Simmons: Oh, don't play coy with me, you heart-breaker. Always standing off, playing hard to get while all the time you were looking right through me.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I didn't see anything, honest!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [to Margaret] Funny thing, war... Never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
- Hawkeye: [Radar, with a dazed grin, enters] Radar, what happened to you?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.
- Lyle Wesson: Hey, doc, they're getting ready to send me back! But, before I go, I wanted to get your home address, so we can be pen pals after the war.
- Hawkeye: [wanting this guy off of his back] Oh, no, you don't want to do that - I'm very boring, and besides, I write everything in prescription.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Lyle Wesson is fed up with Frank's insulting of Hawkeye. He picks Frank up and starts spinning him around] Put him down! You can't twirl an officer!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Radio signal gets lost] Well find it, find it, dammit. Oh, sorry Father.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: It's a wedding son. I understand your anger.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Flare your nostrils for me, Frank. I get so excited when you flare them.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited".
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Excuse me, Lieutenant. Uh, I'm measuring the camp. You see, uh, last year we had 2986 square feet and this year we have 2863, and I have to figure out where we shrank.
- Cpl. Radar O'Reilly: For all she knows I'm dead
- Capt. Trapper John McIntyre: Why don't you prove to her vou're alive?
- Capt. Hawkeye Pierce: Breathe in her face.
- Hawkeye: [a patient grabs Hawkeye after letting go of a cat] Okay, everybody, just keep calm and nobody will get hurt. Especially me. Now, let's be careful. Don't break the doctor, okay? Uh, the cat and I have just talked it over, and he'd like to come back.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, what's the diff? For all she knows, I'm dead.
- Capt. Trapper John McIntyre: What don't you prove to her you're alive?
- Hawkeye: Breathe in her face.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I can't, because I'm ignoring her all the time!
- Hawkeye: Why?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Because she's ignoring me!
- Hawkeye: Ahh, but you ignored her first!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yeah, but that's because I'm trying to beat her to the ignore!