- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [B.J. is calling his father-in-law in Oklahoma for help to treat Col. Potter's sick horse] Pa! Hi, it's B.J.!... No. No, I'm not at the bus station, I'm still in Korea... No, we're not still fighting the Germans, Pa, that was your war... Huh? Yeah, I get a letter from Peg every day.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, come on.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The horse.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Wha - Oh, look, Pa, I can't hang on too long, we need your help.
- [to Radar]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Give me a pencil and paper.
- [to Floyd]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: We got a sick horse here. Yeah, a mare. She's down. Just a minute.
- [to Hawkeye]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What's her heart rate?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Fifty.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fifty. Uh-huh.
- [to Hawkeye]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too fast.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, look, uh...
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Could it be emotional?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Could be. Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hold on a minute, Floyd.
- [to Hawkeye]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Any growling in her stomach?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Silencio.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Not a sound. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! Okay. Right. All right, thanks Pa. Listen, you take care of yourself now. Yeah, I miss you too. Oh, do me a favor, will you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's more.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Call Peg and tell her everything's fine. Except the horse. Right. Thanks
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What? What? What?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too much dry grass and not enough water. She's got colic.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, that's serious!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Floyd says it can kill her.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colic?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Intestines are blocked. We gotta keep her on her feet so they won't twist. And... we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Can't you do something about Frank?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, like stand him up and have him shot!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [to his horse] You'll be in good hands, sweetheart. Radar's gonna take care of you. You know, Radar, being away from Mrs. Potter, this mare's been a blessing.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: She knows you're leaving, sir. Look at her eyes.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Like Fay Wray.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I don't know her.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: King Kong, this big monkey, carried her to the top of the Empire State Building.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow! I heard there were some weirdos in New York.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [knocking on Margaret's door] Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh - hell!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You heard me! H-e-double toothpicks! You guys don't care!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hey, hey, hey, Radar, take it easy.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Sure, we care.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who delivered your guinea pig's triplets - Manny, Moe, and Jack? Who gave your chicken an aspirin when it got hysterical?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You, sir.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Who belted Major Burns when he wanted to cook your rabbit for Easter?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Both you sirs.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Look, what this boils down to is who gets stuck with Burns.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Mm-hmm.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, if you were in command, what would you do?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'd take him to Tokyo.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: That's why you're not in command. Dismissed.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm afraid I have a bad appendix.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Let me operate? Please!
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It isn't necessary. It isn't a hot appendix. It's chronic.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Let me remove it. I'll put it in a nice Mason jar with a little alcohol. I'll bring you ice cream with chocolate sauce and perhaps some Oreo cookies.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: No!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Show me some consideration. Let me cut you open!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Colonel, Burns isn't fit to command.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: No sweat. Radar runs the outfit anyway.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah, but he makes crazy rules. "Chew your food 100 times."
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I showed the fink. I swallowed my steak whole.