M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The M*A*S*H Olympics (1977)
David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester
Quotes
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Maj. Charles Winchester : If God had intended man to be in a crutch race, he would have given him two broken legs.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Hold it. We're not finished yet. You people are in sorry shape. This is a mobile hospital. If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I'm a surgeon. I'm not a circus roustabout.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're a clown.
Maj. Charles Winchester : You're a buffoon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Bozo.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Bottle it.
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Father Francis Mulcahy : Next to a good mass, there's nothing more stirring than the Olympics.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, yes, the Olympics. Where every four years, people from all nations gather together to sweat.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [B.J. and Hawkeye are leading the camp in morning calisthenics] Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Hold--Wait a minute, wait a minute. You in the woodwind section.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Brass.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Why aren't you playing toe touchies?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Gentlemen, we're all just fooling ourselves here.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Isn't that what the army's all about?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Morning exercise is futile at best. When one arises, the body is more subject to postural hypotension.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : You tell 'em, Doc!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Blood flows away from the brain, and blacking out becomes a distinct possibility. Well, what it all boils down to, gentlemen, is that you're not getting one toe touchie out of me.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Charles is not participating in the exercise regimen] Uh, Charles, could we have a word with you, please?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Briefly.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : See, we'd like to get this over with, so we'd kind of like your cooperation.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Charles chuckles] And if we don't get it, we're gonna wash our dirty socks in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
Maj. Charles Winchester : [snickers] You wouldn't!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : And rinse them in your Earl Gray Tea.
Maj. Charles Winchester : ...You would.
[to the crowd]
Maj. Charles Winchester : On the other hand, circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis, and I'm certainly all for that. So hands on hips, please.