M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Tooth Shall Set You Free (1982)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [Winchester groans like a cow]  Beej, don't forget, in the morning, it's your turn to milk Charles.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : [outside the Swamp]  Good evening, boys. See you're just sittin' and rockin' on the front porch tonight.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Yep.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Have a drink.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Don't mind if we do. Major?

  Major Lawrence Weems : Thank you.

  [Potter sits on a crate and Weems on another chair] 

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : [Charles is inside the tent and groans sounding like a cow as he suffers from his toothache]  Shoo! Gamey around here. Haven't smelled anything this bad since Rosie had lumbago.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Major, I'll bet you're here to see how your latest casualties are doing, huh?

  Major Lawrence Weems : I just came from post op. Covington doesn't look good at all.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : The chest wound? Took a lot of shrapnel. I think he'll pull through and be on his way home.

  Major Lawrence Weems : Thank God for that. Boy, just seems like no matter how many times you go through this, it never gets any easier.

  [Hawkeye nods] 

  Major Lawrence Weems : What about Moorehead and Sims?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : We won't know until morning.

  Major Lawrence Weems : See what you can do about getting Sims home. He's only two points short anyway, and I'd sure as hell hate to see him put his butt back up on the line.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : With all due respect, Major, I know you're a fair-minded man. I am too. I also think charity begins at home, with your own kind. You know what I mean?

  Major Lawrence Weems : I'm not sure that I do.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, first, you tried to get Pierce here to pull strings to get that Dorsey boy sent home, and now you're trying to get us to send two more of them

  [pause] 

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : stateside.

  Major Lawrence Weems : Yeah.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : It just seems to be a little dark in postop, if you get my drift.

  [long pause] 

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Aw, Colonel, it's supposed to be happy hour. Why don't we just have a drink? Major?

  Major Lawrence Weems : It's a good idea. Thanks.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, what's the problem, Pierce? Everybody's entitled to his own opinion. Just because Truman desegregated the troops doesn't mean that I have to agree with him.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Now c'mon, Colonel, we've been all through this.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Face it. What's done is done.

  Major Lawrence Weems : This man's Army just hasn't been the same since our beloved President signed that act in '48.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Yeah, I can't believe a man from my very own home state of Missouri would pull something like that! Wouldn't you think Harry S. would leave well enough alone?

  Major Lawrence Weems : Amen.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Oh?

  Major Lawrence Weems : Everything was fine 'til Uncle Sam burned the toast.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, if we're all sympatico here, how come you're sendin' those boys home via your own Underground Railroad?

  Major Lawrence Weems : It's very simple. I don't want them in my unit.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, ain't you the shrewd cookie!

  Major Lawrence Weems : I'm not the kind of man who sits by while others mess around with the natural order of things. The government might be able to force 'em on me. They can't tell me what to do with them! Nobody tells me who I have to eat, sleep and fight with.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : So, you send them off on high risk duty.

  Major Lawrence Weems : That way, they earn more points, they get rotated home faster.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Or get wounded.

  Major Lawrence Weems : Yeah, well, we didn't ask for them to be here in the first place, right?

  [Hawkeye and B.J. smile] 

• Major Lawrence Weems : How soon before I get him back?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : You won't. From here, he goes to the 121st evac. Before he knows it, he'll be stateside looking for himself in the newsreels.

  Major Lawrence Weems : You sure? He's a cracker jack heavy equipment man

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but there's no place to hang an I.V. on a bulldozer.

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : I was treating a kid who had been shot four times. And he saw me and he said, "Boy, doc, you look terrible."