- Charles: Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape. The would-be lothario Pierce is fast asleep, and the 38-hour day is done. Now, Mother and Dad... I will put this as eloquently... and succinctly as possible...
- [opens tea kettle and pulls out a rubber chicken]
- Charles: Get me the hell out of here!
- [describing Klinger and Maj. Houlihan]
- Maj. Winchester: There is a transvestite corporal with dreadful taste in clothes and a head nurse who is part seductress and part Attila the Hun.
- Charles: As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states.
- Col. Potter: Not to me, commissioner.
- Charles: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away!
- Col. Potter: Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber.
- Charles: And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad!
- Col. Potter: Cool off, Winchester.
- Charles: How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole.
- Col. Potter: You're here so get used to it!
- Charles: You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.
- Col. Potter: That's right and I don't intend to.
- Charles: I certainly think you ought to consider...!
- Col. Potter: [shouting] Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished.
- [presents a painted portrait of Charles shouting]
- Maj. Winchester: Our spiritual advisor through this Oriental purgatory is a cock-eyed optimist who sounds like Dennis Day.
- [describing Father Mulcahy]
- Maj. Winchester: Father, you must know someone influential who can get me out of here. Talk to Senator Griswold. After all, you paid good money for him.