Married... with Children (TV Series)

Where's the Boss? (1987)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : You know what really bothers me? There is a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, I bet he's sorry now, honey.

• Peggy Bundy : You ever think about sending me flowers, Al?

  Al Bundy : Why would I do that? You're still alive.

• Al Bundy : I'm not going to just disappear. You'll see me again. Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in front of some poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever someone comes into the store and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for 3 months, I'll be there. And whenever kids come into the store, take off their old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there too.

  [to Nancy] 

  Al Bundy : Madame, when Shamu needs a mate, you'll be there.

• Al Bundy : [after quitting]  Look, it's not like I haven't checked out the want ads. Look at this. All these jobs want a college degree, o-or computer skills, or worse- references. What am I supposed to do? Stoop as low as this cheap blonde who can't read or write?

• Al Bundy : Hey, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe store. Well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.

  Peggy Bundy : Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.

  Al Bundy : Peg, for a change, you don't understand. A human life has just been snuffed out. Who's going to sign my paycheck?

  Peggy Bundy : What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.

• Al Bundy : Look, I could end up unemployed here. Now, how am I gonna pay my bills?

  Bud Bundy : Well, if Kelly ever graduates, we're gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the Board of Education.

  Al Bundy : We can't count on that, Bud.

• Peggy Bundy : [after hearing about Gary's plane crash]  You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.

  Al Bundy : Yeah? How about some scuba gear and a body bag?

• Al Bundy : Come on, phone, ring. Tell me you got the flowers. "What a guy! We're gonna give you a raise." Come on, ring.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Al Bundy : [picks up the phone]  Hello?

  Peggy Bundy : Al, it's the door.

  Al Bundy : Well, get it. I'm on the phone. Hello?

  [Peggy answers the door and Steve and Marcy appears] 

  Steve Rhoades , Marcy Rhoades : Hi.

  Peggy Bundy : Hi.

  Steve Rhoades : Hey, Al, did you hear about Gary?

  Al Bundy : Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's dead. Great tragedy and all that. Stay off my phone.

  [a ring is heard] 

  Al Bundy : [picks up the phone]  Hello?

  Peggy Bundy : That's the oven timer, Al.

  Al Bundy : You cooked?

  Peggy Bundy : Nah, it's just a reminder to order dinner.

• Al Bundy : Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about? I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.

  Steve Rhoades : Ah, come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.

• Al Bundy : If I can meet my boss, maybe you can meet yours.

  Happy : I don't want to meet my boss, Al. I steal.

• Al Bundy : [while watching TV]  Who's that?

  Peggy Bundy : That's Jade, the one with the haunted past.

  Al Bundy : I thought Iris had the haunted past.

  Peggy Bundy : That's another show.

  Woman : [on TV]  Ooh, this really is better, Jane.

  Al Bundy : Who's that?

  Peggy Bundy : Al, that's the lady who sells soap. It's a commercial. I can't stand this anymore. You have been home for one day and you are driving me crazy.

  Al Bundy : What did I do? How am I driving you crazy?

  [looks at TV] 

  Al Bundy : Who's that?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh...

  [starts choking Al] 

  Peggy Bundy : Go back to work!

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Al Bundy : Who's that?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh!

• Steve Rhoades : So, how you doing, buddy? Enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, ooh, nice pajamas. Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.

  Al Bundy : Well, it all comes down to priorities. What's more important: pride or money?

  Steve Rhoades : Money, Al. I love it. I love to look at it, and be around it, and count it. That's why I went into the bank biz, but that's me, and you're out of work. But hang in there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications. Did you ever try to, uh, shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World. Of course, you'd have to relocate, but they have real nice trailer parks down there.

  Al Bundy : You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve?

  Steve Rhoades : [chuckles]  Remember what you did to my dog, Al?

  Al Bundy : Yes, I do.

  Steve Rhoades : To continue, then. You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway off-ramp.

  Marcy Rhoades : Now, Steve...

  Steve Rhoades : Oh, can't I do one more?

  Marcy Rhoades : Well... okay.

  Steve Rhoades : You could sell your blood, Al. They give you juice and cookies afterwards.

  Peggy Bundy : Gee, Al, if you could manage to stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be dinner for the family.