- Peggy Bundy: Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?
- Nancy: You must be the wife.
- Peggy Bundy: And you must be why they're starving in China.
- Al Bundy: You know what really bothers me? There is a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, I bet he's sorry now, honey.
- Kelly Bundy: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?
- Peggy Bundy: You ever think about sending me flowers, Al?
- Al Bundy: Why would I do that? You're still alive.
- Steve Rhoades: He was flying his own jet, had an equipment failure, bailed out and washed ashore at a topless hula school. They made a litter for him out of their grass skirts and nursed him back to health. They think he's a god... so do I.
- Al Bundy: I'm not going to just disappear. You'll see me again. Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in front of some poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever someone comes into the store and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for 3 months, I'll be there. And whenever kids come into the store, take off their old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there too.
- [to Nancy]
- Al Bundy: Madame, when Shamu needs a mate, you'll be there.
- Donna: Who's the guy in the pajamas? Is that your dad?
- Kelly Bundy: Are you kidding? No, no, my father's in prison. That's, that's just my mom's boyfriend.
- Al Bundy: [after quitting] Look, it's not like I haven't checked out the want ads. Look at this. All these jobs want a college degree, o-or computer skills, or worse- references. What am I supposed to do? Stoop as low as this cheap blonde who can't read or write?
- Bud Bundy: Mom, you're cooking!
- Peggy Bundy: Well, it's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
- Al Bundy: Hey, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe store. Well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.
- Peggy Bundy: Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.
- Al Bundy: Peg, for a change, you don't understand. A human life has just been snuffed out. Who's going to sign my paycheck?
- Peggy Bundy: What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.
- Kelly Bundy: You know, they already call us the poor Bundys. I mean, what will they call us when we have no money?
- Bud Bundy: Those darn poachers?
- Peggy Bundy: [after hearing about Gary's plane crash] You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.
- Al Bundy: Yeah? How about some scuba gear and a body bag?
- Al Bundy: Come on, phone, ring. Tell me you got the flowers. "What a guy! We're gonna give you a raise." Come on, ring.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Al Bundy: [picks up the phone] Hello?
- Peggy Bundy: Al, it's the door.
- Al Bundy: Well, get it. I'm on the phone. Hello?
- [Peggy answers the door and Steve and Marcy appears]
- Steve Rhoades, Marcy Rhoades: Hi.
- Peggy Bundy: Hi.
- Steve Rhoades: Hey, Al, did you hear about Gary?
- Al Bundy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's dead. Great tragedy and all that. Stay off my phone.
- [a ring is heard]
- Al Bundy: [picks up the phone] Hello?
- Peggy Bundy: That's the oven timer, Al.
- Al Bundy: You cooked?
- Peggy Bundy: Nah, it's just a reminder to order dinner.
- Al Bundy: Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about? I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.
- Steve Rhoades: Ah, come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.
- Al Bundy: [while watching TV] Who's that?
- Peggy Bundy: That's Jade, the one with the haunted past.
- Al Bundy: I thought Iris had the haunted past.
- Peggy Bundy: That's another show.
- Woman: [on TV] Ooh, this really is better, Jane.
- Al Bundy: Who's that?
- Peggy Bundy: Al, that's the lady who sells soap. It's a commercial. I can't stand this anymore. You have been home for one day and you are driving me crazy.
- Al Bundy: What did I do? How am I driving you crazy?
- [looks at TV]
- Al Bundy: Who's that?
- Peggy Bundy: Oh...
- [starts choking Al]
- Peggy Bundy: Go back to work!
- [the doorbell rings]
- Al Bundy: Who's that?
- Peggy Bundy: Oh!
- Steve Rhoades: So, how you doing, buddy? Enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, ooh, nice pajamas. Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.
- Al Bundy: Well, it all comes down to priorities. What's more important: pride or money?
- Steve Rhoades: Money, Al. I love it. I love to look at it, and be around it, and count it. That's why I went into the bank biz, but that's me, and you're out of work. But hang in there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications. Did you ever try to, uh, shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World. Of course, you'd have to relocate, but they have real nice trailer parks down there.
- Al Bundy: You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve?
- Steve Rhoades: [chuckles] Remember what you did to my dog, Al?
- Al Bundy: Yes, I do.
- Steve Rhoades: To continue, then. You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway off-ramp.
- Marcy Rhoades: Now, Steve...
- Steve Rhoades: Oh, can't I do one more?
- Marcy Rhoades: Well... okay.
- Steve Rhoades: You could sell your blood, Al. They give you juice and cookies afterwards.
- Peggy Bundy: Gee, Al, if you could manage to stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be dinner for the family.