- [Micky runs in]
- Micky: Where's Jud?
- Maw Weskitt: Over there.
- [Mike runs in]
- Mike: Where's Jud?
- Maw Weskitt: Same place.
- Maw Weskitt: Sonny, would you help a little old lady across the street?
- Davy: That's a very rough way to break into the boy scouts, isn't it?
- Jud Weskitt: You no account city slicker!
- Davy: I'm not a city slicker!
- Jud Weskitt: How much is one and one?
- Davy: Two.
- Jud Weskitt: That proves it, ya fast talkin' sharpie!
- Davy: But I'm not from the city, I'm English.
- Maw Weskitt: [jumps off her rocking chair] A dang Red-Coat! I knew they'd be comin' back.
- Davy: Wha- well, you haven't been at war with the British since 1812.
- Maw Weskitt: That's the year I was born, sonny, I remember it very clear.
- Davy: What's kept you alive all this time?
- Maw Weskitt: Hate! Hate and vengeance!
- Micky: What is this?
- [holds up a spoon]
- Jud Weskitt: That is a... spoon.
- Micky: Right, what do we do with it?
- Jud Weskitt: And we... eat with it!
- [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]
- Micky: What's this, Jud?
- [holds up a fork]
- Jud Weskitt: That is a... vark.
- [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]
- Micky: What do we do with it?
- Jud Weskitt: And we... eat with it!
- [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]
- Micky: Hold it, wait, wait, hold it. What is this, Jud?
- [holds up a knife]
- Jud Weskitt: That is a... knife!
- [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]
- Micky: What do we do with it?
- Jud Weskitt: And we...
- [grabs the knife]
- Jud Weskitt: stab out blindly at those who would make us eat with a fork and spoon!
- Mike: You gotta be sweet instead of surly. You gotta be tender instead of taciturn. You gotta... you gotta be amiable instead of angry.
- Jud Weskitt: Then what?
- Mike: Then what? Well, you can ask yourself "Whatever happened to the good old Jud Weskitt?"
- Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Davy!
- Micky: I'm Micky.
- Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
- [kisses him passionately]
- Micky: Well, I tried.
- Mike: Listen...
- Jud Weskitt: What?
- Mike: Ella Mae Chubber's gettin hitched.
- Jud Weskitt: Well, what happened, did Chubber's horse die?
- Mike: Did the chubbers horse die? No, not to a wagon, man, she's getting married!
- Davy: Listen, you wait here, I'll go and get the preacher. Here's the ring.
- Jud Weskitt: Thanks, stranger. Say, I'd sure like for you to be my best man.
- Davy: Oh, that's a very nice gesture, Jud.
- Jud Weskitt: And lend me two bucks for the preacher?
- Davy: Two bucks! How much is that in English money?
- Jud Weskitt: Seventeen shilling and six pence.
- Davy: Okay, I'll manage that.
- Mike: Look, Jud, if you want to be qualified for Ella Mae, you got to treat her like a gentleman.
- Jud Weskitt: But she's a girl.
- Micky: [to camera] Isn't that dumb?
- Peter: All right, let's try it again. Now, what are the four qualities that a lady respects most in a gentleman?
- Jud Weskitt: Kindness... consideration... affection... and a punch in the mouth!
- Peter: Well, that's three out of four.
- Paw Chubber: I'll kill the first Weskitt that crosses that line!
- Jud Weskitt: Oh, I'll shoot the first Chubber that crosses!
- Peter: Oh, well, we're neither Weskitt nor Chubber.
- Davy: No!
- Peter: I guess that lets us off the hook.
- Paw Chubber: We both hate strangers!
- [both families cock their guns and aim at the Monkees]
- Peter: I geuss that, er, puts us back on the hook.
- Jud Weskitt: Who's you?
- Mike: You remember your cousins Claude & Leroy?
- Jud Weskitt: No I don't.
- Mike: Do you remember your cousins Luke & Ezra?
- Jud Weskitt: No I don't.
- Mike: You remember your cousins Roland & Clem?
- Jud Weskitt: Er, yes, I do!
- Mike: Yep, well, that's who we are, Roland & Clem.
- Jud Weskitt: Whatever happened to cousins Luke, Ezra, Claude & Leroy?
- Mike: Well, they said, say hello.
- Jud Weskitt: Hello!
- Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
- Peter: I'm Peter.
- Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Peter!
- [kisses him passionately]
- Peter: Well, I tried.
- Maw Weskitt: Congratulations, cousins, and welcome to the family.
- Micky: Thanks, Maw. You sure play great garbage!
- Jud Weskitt: [to Mike] How did you learn how to play such a good nose?
- Maw Weskitt: Well who's gonna make a gentleman outta my boy in one hour?
- Micky: Only one man in the world can do that, Maw, couse he's had eight marriages himself. Raybert presents: comin' straight from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!
- Peter: [Peter enters dressed like Davy Crocket, speaking with a German accent] Someone here have trouble with ze marriage?
- Mike: That's the wrong accent!
- Paw Chubber: [points his rifle at Jud] I got you at last!
- Ella Mae Chubber: But Paw, he's my husband now.
- Paw Chubber: You son in law!