- Minister of Silly Walks: [evaluating the man's silly walk] It's not particularly silly, is it. I I mean the right leg isn't silly at all, and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half-turn every alternate step.
- Minister of Silly Walks: [to his receptionist] Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you please bring us in two coffees.
- Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Teabag.
- Minister of Silly Walks: [pause] Out of her mind.
- The Announcer: When the Pyrannas left school they were called up, but were found by an Army board to be too mentally unstable, even for national service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their county, they began to operate what they called The Operation. They would select a victim, and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so called protection money. Four months later they started another operation, which they called The Other Operation. In this racket they selected another victim, and threaten *not* to beat him up if he *didn't* pay them. One month later they hit upon The Other Other Operation. In this the victim was threatened if he didn't pay them they would beat him up. This, for the Pyrannas Brothers, was the turning point.
- Face the Press' Interviewer: Tonight on Face the Press, we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle with matching pearls and a dear Monte Carlo necklace. The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps by Maxwell of Bond Street. The hair is by Roger and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular array of Christmas Orchids. And on my right putting the case against the government is a small patch of brown liquid, which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. Good evening. Minister, may I put the question to you. In your plan 'A Better Britain for Us,' you claimed that you would build 88 thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you've only built three in the past 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?
- Minister for Home Affairs: No, no. I would like to answer this question, if I may, in two ways. Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine.
- Second Interviewer: Stig, I've been told that Dinsdale Pyranna nailed your head to the floor.
- Stig O'Tracey: No! No never, never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to give his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
- Second Interviewer: But the police had film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
- Stig O'Tracey: Oh yeah, well he did that, yeah.
- Second Interviewer: Why?
- Stig O'Tracey: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean be fair, there was nothing else he could do. I mean I had transgressed the unwritten law.
- Second Interviewer: What had you done?
- Stig O'Tracey: Uh... well he never told me that. But he gave me his word it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor, I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. There's nothing Dinsdale wouldn't do for you.
- Luigi Vercotti.: I'd been running a successful escort agency, high class, no really, high class girls, we didn't have any of that. That was right out.
- [Phone rings]
- Luigi Vercotti.: Hello? Not now, not now. Schtoom, schtoom! Right, we'll have the watch ready for you at midnight. The watch. The *Chinese watch.* Right, bye-bye. Mother.
- [Hangs up]
- Luigi Vercotti.: So I decided to set up a high-class night club for the gentry at Biggleswade. With international cuisine and cooking and top line acts. And not a cheap clip-joint for picking up tarts, that was right out, I deny that completely. And one evening, Dinsdale walks in with a couple of big lads. One of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I'd bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it?
- Second Interviewer: How much did they want?
- Luigi Vercotti.: Three quarters of a million pounds. And they went out.
- Second Interviewer: Why didn't you call for the police?
- Luigi Vercotti.: Well I noticed that the fellow with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area. Anyway, a week later, they came back, said that the cheque had bounced and that I had to see... Doug.
- Second Interviewer: Doug?
- Luigi Vercotti.: Doug.
- [Takes a drink]
- Luigi Vercotti.: I was terrified of him. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.
- Second Interviewer: What did Doug do?
- Luigi Vercotti.: He used sarcasm. He really knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire.
- Gloria: I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to many eminent persons, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang leaders.
- Interviewer: How had he met them?
- Gloria: Through his wonderful work for charity. He had taken a warm interest in boy's clubs, sailors homes, choristers associations, scouting jamborees and of course, the household cavalry.
- Interviewer: Was there anything unusual about him?
- Gloria: I should say not. Dinsdale was a perfectly ordinary gentleman in every way. Except, in as much, he was convinced he was being watched by a giant hedgehog. Whom he referred to as Spiny Norman.
- Interviewer: How big was Norman supposed to be?
- Gloria: Normally, he was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was very depressed, Norman could be anything up to eight-hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale would go very quiet and his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin. Dinsdale was a gentleman. And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.