Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV Series)

Whicker's World (1972)

Graham Chapman: First Policeman, Superintendent, Mrs. Conclusion, Alan Whicker #4, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Premise : I just spent four hours burying the cat.

  Mrs. Conclusion : *Four hours* to bury a cat?

  Mrs. Premise : Yes - it wouldn't keep still.

• [Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, has just been sworn in] 

  Superintendent : You are hereby charged: one, that you did, on or about 1126, conspire to publicise a London Borough in the course of a BBC saga; two, that you were wilfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught in possession of an offensive weapon, viz., the big brown table down at the police station...

  Judge : The big brown table down at the police station?

  Superintendent : The big brown table down at the police station?

  All : Assaulting a police officer!

  Prosecuting Counsel : Call Police Constable Pan-Am.

  [Pan-Am enters, randomly beating people with his truncheon] 

  Prosecuting Counsel : Into the witness box, Constable, there'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now, you are Police Constable Pan-Am?

  Police Constable Pan-Am : No! I shall deny that to the last breath in my body!

  [superintendent gestures to him] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, sorry! Yes.

  Prosecuting Counsel : Police Constable, do you recognize the defendant?

  Police Constable Pan-Am : No. Never seen him before in my life.

  [superintendent gestures again] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, yes, yes, he's the one. He done it. I'd recognize him anywhere! Sorry, super.

  Prosecuting Counsel : Constable, will you please tell the court in your own words what happened.

  Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh yes!

  [refers to a notebook] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : I was proceeding in a northerly direction up Alitalia Street when I saw the deceased

  [indicates Erik] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : standing at an upstairs window, baring her bosom at the general public. She then took off her - wait a tick. Wrong story.

  Police Constable Pan-Am : [leafs through notebook]  Oh yes. There were three nuns in a railway station and the ticket inspector says to one of them...

  [superintendent gestures] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : No... anyway, I clearly saw the deceased...

  Clerk : Defendant.

  Police Constable Pan-Am : Defendant! Sorry. Sorry, super. I clearly saw the defendant... doing whatever he's accused of. Red handed! When kicked - cautioned, he said,

  [as if reading line by line] 

  Police Constable Pan-Am : "It's a fair. Cop I done it all. Right no doubt about that." Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other officers while bouncing around the cell. The end.

  [applause and cheering] 

• Judge : [Very impatient]  Well let's get a move-on. I've got a Gay Lib meeting at six o' clock. Superintendent, will you please read the charge?

  Superintendent : Is a charge strictly necessary, m'lud?

  Judge : [Heavy aside]  The press is here...

  Superintendent : Oh! Sorry... Right, you are hereby charged: One, that you did conspire to publicize a North London borough in the course of a BBC saga; two, that you were willfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught in possession of an offensive weapon, viz. the big brown table down at the police station.

  Judge : The big brown table down at the police station?

  Superintendent : It was the best we could find, m'lud. And five, all together now...

  All : Assaulting a police officer!