- Det. Andy Sipowicz: Hey, did you know that New York City tap water tastes better than bottled water? That's not me saying that. That's independent testing.
- Simon Rickman: The man who robbed me was just under six feet tall, 160 pounds, peaches and cream complexion and tousled, strawberry-blonde hair. No scars or distinguishing marks on his face or arms, but he does have a pierced scrotum. He, uh, wears a little gold ball there.
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: You got a good look?
- Simon Rickman: Oh, yes. From all angles.
- [on the value of a stolen Oscar]
- Sammy Meyers: I've heard rumblings. Very preliminary. A colleague didn't have the item yet, but he'd been approached. He wanted to know a ballpark worth.
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, what would that be?
- Sammy Meyers: Twenty-five.
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: Thousand?
- Sammy Meyers: You think that's inflated? When a matchbook John Lennon wrote "screw you" on brings in fifteen?
- Richie Catina: Take care. I'll be in touch soon.
- Officer Janice Licalsi: [In an undertone] Don't get cancer, Richie.
- Simon Rickman: Well, I get my Oscar back and lecture on free will
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: That's why this is a great police department.
- [entering the wrong apartment]
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: Police!
- Rajib: [from the bathroom] Be with you right away.
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: Police! You come out with your hands on top of your head!
- Rajib: Please, I'm completing my business!
- [Andy opens the bathroom door and is surprised to find an older Indian man on the toilet]
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: You Coleman?
- Rajib: Rajib!
- Det. Andy Sipowicz: [sniffing the air] Oh, man. What have you been eating? Some kind of wild game?