- Abby Sciuto: Thank you, sir.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
- Abby Sciuto: Yes, ma'am.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Ziva is zooming through the parking garage searching for the victim's car] On the odd chance that I can actually see something traveling at warp speed, what kind of car are we looking for?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
- Abby Sciuto: Okay that's it! You need a break!
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
- [Abby pushes his chair into her office]
- Abby Sciuto: We don't! But *you* do!
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy!
- Officer Ziva David: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Figures...
- Officer Ziva David: What figures?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Chick car.
- Officer Ziva David: Meaning?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
- Officer Ziva David: Was it a government study?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
- [Officer David steps on the breaks and points at a silver car]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
- Officer Ziva David: Uff, you've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though. STOP!
- Officer Ziva David: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after entering Wilkerson's house] Nice job with the lock by the way.
- Officer Ziva David: Thank you, it was a very simple pin-and-tumbler design.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So are handcuffs. But I bet you couldn't get out of a pair.
- Officer Ziva David: Are you saying, you'd like to handcuff me, Tony?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not *really* my thing, Ziva.
- Officer Ziva David: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [quietly, to Ziva] Will you please calm down. This guy is a little jumpy, and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right?
- [Ziva removes her cuffs, kicks the security guard's gun away, and pins him to the floor, aiming the gun at his chest]
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: No, no! Don't shoot! Don't-don't shoot!
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
- Officer Ziva David: He called me a dirtbag.
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
- Officer Ziva David: [angrier] "Ma'am?"
- [Tony facepalms]
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, relax, Quick-draw. We're feds.
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Yeah? What agency?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Officer Ziva David: NCIS.
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
- Officer Ziva David: Naval Criminal Investigative Ser...
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never-heard-of-it.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sighs] You never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough about me. Let me guess: Pilates?
- Officer Ziva David: Very good, Tony.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I *am* an investigator, it's kind of what I do.
- Officer Ziva David: Mm-hmm.
- [puts her feet on her desk, her feet are covered with tape and blood]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought you said you were doing Pilates?
- Officer Ziva David: Isn't Pilates one of your Martial Arts?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. It's kind of like expensive stretching.
- Officer Ziva David: Mm. Well then, I guess I wasn't doing a Pilate.
- [starting to take the tape off her feet]
- Officer Ziva David: Mind giving me a hand with this?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes I do. Whose blood is that?
- Officer Ziva David: Not mine.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
- Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn't a second "thunk" or a "thack" not even a "thock" in that track.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
- Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Cuff yourself to him.
- Officer Ziva David: I'd rather you shoot me first.
- Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [into his radio] Central. I got two suspects claiming to be feds.
- [no response]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No little red light on the radio, means the radio not working.
- Officer Ziva David: [McGee is dismantling a network server] What can I do to help, McGee?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can stop touching things when you're not grounded.
- Officer Ziva David: Okay, sorry. Hack away, you won't even notice me here.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, but you're standing on my foot
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's driving as they're searching for Wilkerson's car] Just out of curiosity, who taught you to drive?
- Officer Ziva David: I did!
- Ross Logan: Look, our best hackers haven't been able to track this guy.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You haven't met our hacker.
- Ross Logan: He's good?
- Officer Ziva David: Does a bear sit in the woods?
- Ross Logan: [slight chuckle] Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's Israeli.
- Officer Ziva David: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now, Boss?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
- Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with *my* driving?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] That's a nice suit. You didn't get married again, did you?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know what the best part is, when you get older, your not gonna remember their names. But you know what? They're always gonna remember yours. That's pretty cool, huh?
- Jason Geckler: You know, I haven't thought about it too much.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well I have!
- [spins Geckler's chair around and looks at him in the eye]
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know why? Because *I* was one of those kids! And I've been looking forward to this my entire life, dirtbag!
- Jason Geckler: I didn't do anything!
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've got you for aiding and abetting a kidnapping, interferring in a Federal Investigation, and selling stolen property! You know what that means? That means? That mean they can try you as an adult, Geck!
- [McGee flicks Geckler's neck]
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: And when you in prison, every night when you're crying yourself to sleep, I want you to think of *me* tough guy! We're done here! See ya in court!
- [starts to leave interrogation]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony answers the phone in front of two Teenagers] Ops. Yeah. It's DiNozzo. Hey Mattie, I need to requisition two sets of genital cuffs, and I gotta requisition the Mark-5 Taser again. No you don't have to clean them, I'll wear rubber gloves. Thanks.
- [hangs up the phone, and presses the speaker button]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?
- [Danny and Tim shake their heads]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You really should because interrogation makes you a little dehydrated.
- [starts to walk away]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay.
- [turns around]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, before I forget, any history of testicular cancer or high blood pressure in the family? Okay, you know what? You guys think about that for a second, I'm gonna do a little refill, and we'll talk about the boring stuff later, funny guys.
- Danny: He's bluffing, there's no such thing as "genital cuffs."
- Tim: But what if there is?
- Danny: Yeah, what if Geck finds out we ratted on him?
- Tim: I mean, these guys aren't even cops, they're some secret government agency! Did you see the way that chick was playing with her knife?
- Danny: Yeah, I know... it was kind of hot, like Salma Hayek in "Desperado."
- Officer Ziva David: [appearing behind them, casually holding her knife] Never seen that.
- Officer Ziva David: Don't worry, Abby. Sometimes you can't see the jungle for the ferns.
- Abby Sciuto: Uh... right.
- Officer Ziva David: Who's on the phone?
- Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
- [Ziva takes the phone]
- Officer Ziva David: [flirtatiously] Hi...
- [giggles]
- Officer Ziva David: Oh, my God! Don't touch me there!
- Danny's Girlfriend: What?
- Officer Ziva David: He's gonna have to call you back. Bye.
- Danny's Girlfriend: What? Wait a sec...!
- [Ziva hangs up the phone]
- Officer Ziva David: [to Danny] You're busted.
- Navy Capt. Paul Martino: Are you suggesting she's somehow involved in all this? She's one of my *finest* officers!
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's next on your checklist? Or do you want me to guess?
- Navy Capt. Paul Martino: We head back to the processing plant, and reschedule our delivery. You think they'll try to hit us on the way back?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think we ought to find your missing officer before we move that train again!
- Ross Logan: I run this chapter of the PBJ.
- Officer Ziva David: Peanut butter and jelly, right?
- Ross Logan: Actually, no. It stands for Perverts Brought to Justice.
- [Gibbs calls the team in on a day off, Abby comes in wearing a construction worker's tool belt and hard hat]
- Abby Sciuto: Where's the tape now?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On the way to your lab.
- Abby Sciuto: [replacing her hard hat] Then so am I.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you get Lt. Commander Wilkerson's home address?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sitting at his desk] I did.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then why are you still here?
- [Tony jumps to his feet at heads to the elevator]
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you waiting for an invitation, Officer David?
- Officer Ziva David: Oh, so you really are getting married?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He means you're with me.
- Officer Ziva David: [jumps to her feet] Oh. I knew that!
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [while Gibbs is handcuffing Logan] You let me know if I'm hurting you.
- Ross Logan: It hurts, it hurts!
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.
- Danny: We didn't know the phone was stolen!
- Tim: We bought it from a guy we know at school.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I want the name, Beavis.
- Danny: Well, we don't, like, "know" know him.
- Tim: Yeah, meaning we don't exactly know his name.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I, like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying... like. You want to know why?
- Danny: 'Cause you're old?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [chuckles] Funny guy. You're playing a dangerous game, small fry.