- Oscar Madison: [Felix doesn't want his 12-year-old daughter to go to a Boys Correctional School dance on her first date] Felix, she is no dummy. She knows the score. Doesn't she know the score?
- Felix Unger: You mean that filth about the birds and the bees?
- Oscar Madison: She doesn't know the score!... Would you feel better if she knew the facts of life?
- Felix Unger: Well, I, I...
- Oscar Madison: All right, get Gloria to tell her.
- Felix Unger: [rejecting the idea that his ex-wife should give Edna 'The Talk'] No!
- Oscar Madison: Why not? Gloria told you!
- Edna Unger: [Felix finally agrees that Oscar should do the job, but his first attempts fall short] I don't get it.
- Oscar Madison: OK, let's forget about Mr Bunny and Mrs Bunny... A girl is like a baseball diamond.
- Felix Unger: [enthusiasitc] Yes! And the bad man at bat is going to try to score a run. And we can't let that happen.
- Oscar Madison: See, if the guy gets to first base, we mustn't let that happen.
- Felix Unger: No. So you've got to strike him out, so he never gets to first base.
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, see, if he gets to first base, he'll try to steal second.
- Felix Unger: Oh. So that's when you call the umpire. And you know who that is?
- Edna Unger: I don't know.
- Felix Unger: I'm the umpire, and I walk up to that slugger and say, 'You're out! Get off the field.' You understand?
- Edna Unger: [the light slowly dawns] Yeah. It's a lot like sex.
- Oscar Madison: [Felix starts honking uncontrollably, and Edna goes off to bed] Goodnight, darling, goodnight, goodnight. Sleep tight, darling, sleep tight.
- Felix Unger: Oscar. She said 'the word'.
- Oscar Madison: What word?
- Felix Unger: [he whispers] Sex!
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, and if a baseball player tries to take her out, he's gonna have a terrible time.