The Office (TV Series)

Work Experience (2001)

Mackenzie Crook: Gareth Keenan

Quotes 

• Gareth : In this room I have special...

  Tim : ...needs?

  Gareth : No, in this room I am a special...

  Tim : ...needs child?

  Gareth : No, and that's not even funny.

• David Brent : We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing?

  Gareth : Bad.

  David Brent : Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.

  Gareth : If anything, they should be rewarded.

  David Brent : They should be *equal*.

  Gareth : Women are equal.

  David Brent : I've always said that, so...

• Gareth : People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?

• David Brent : Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...

  Gareth : Hands off.

  David Brent : Yeah.

  Gareth : Out of bounds.

  David Brent : Yeah.

  Gareth : Look but don't touch.

  David Brent : [annoyed]  What d'you mean by 'look'.

  Gareth : Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.

  David Brent : Yeah. Good.

  Gareth : Yeah.

  [pause] 

  Gareth : What if she's up for it?

• David Brent : [to Donna and Dawn]  If you do have any trouble from the men, what does she do, Dawn?

  Dawn : Kick them in the balls.

  David Brent : Oh! Feminist.

  Gareth : [jokingly]  Get your bra off.

  David Brent : [to Gareth, defensively]  Do you want to go out, as well?

  Gareth : Sorry, burn your bra. Feminists.

• [trying to find out who did a dirty picture of David Brent] 

  Gareth : Do you know who done the picture?

  Keith : Yeah... no, I mean no.

  Gareth : Right. Your first answer was 'yeah', wasn't it?

  Keith : I meant no.

  Gareth : Well, why did you get...?

  Keith : Uhh... I don't know.

  Gareth : Am I making you nervous?

  Keith : No. I mean, yeah.

  Gareth : Hmmm. That's interesting.

• Gareth : Do you know te phrase 'softly, softly, catchie monkey'? I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. I'd make poisoned darts out of the poison of frogs 'o deadly frogs.

• David Brent : Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.

  Gareth : If anything they should be rewarded.

  David Brent : No, they should be equal.

• Gareth : I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.