- Victor Meldrew: Surely you can't change a lightbulb if you've only got one arm?
- Mrs Warboys: [Drunk] You can if you've still got the receipt.
- [Margaret and Victor are in a morgue to identify a body and there is only a human foot]
- Victor Meldrew: What is this? A new version of Cinderella by David Lynch?
- Margaret Meldrew: Perhaps you'd like to put her down, Victor? You've just saved the woman from choking, you don't want to kill her with the aftershave.
- Margaret Meldrew: I wasn't that keen on coming to Portugal at first. But now that we're about to leave, I never want to see the bloody place again as long as I live.
- Victor Meldrew: Yes, that's the good thing about a bad holiday, is going home, which is a positive joy. I remember the last time we went on holiday, we came home to find that our house had been demolished.
- Mrs Warboys: [laughs] Yes, funny you can laugh about it now, right?
- Margaret Meldrew, Victor Meldrew: [They both stare at her angrily, not laughing]
- Mrs Warboys: I suppose you can't really.
- Martin Trout: I've travelled halfway through bloody Europe getting half killed, looking for a roll of film that all the time was in the lining of my own bleeding jacket!
- Victor Meldrew: Yes, everyone else maybe melting to death on the roads but not us! Because we have a car with hair conditionor! I mean what in the name of sanity did they thing we wanted it for? To make sure that the roof rack was more shining and managable?
- Hugo: How do I feel? I just spent seven hours of total sensory deprivation throwing up and pulling live herrings out of my underpants.
- Old Man: [Mistaking Mrs Warboys for a prostitute] You are a very hot lady!
- Mrs Warboys: Yes, I'm not used to your climate I'm afraid.
- Margaret Meldrew: [about Mrs Warboys] I just cannot believe she was left there like that, in that condition. Next to a complete sheer drop. In total darkness!
- Victor Meldrew: Yes, well there's no point blaming yourself.
- [Margaret turns to him, stammering in anger and disbelief]
- Margaret Meldrew: I wouldn't put it past you to have trussed her up in a sack and thrown her in!
- Victor Meldrew: Oh for goodness's sake!
- Margaret Meldrew: You have never liked the woman, as long as you've known her! To you, she was just a jibbering old bat who popped round twice a week to polish off our digestive biscuits!