Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Emohawk: Polymorph II (1993)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lister : Change of plan. LEG IIIIIIIIIT!

• Kryten : Sir, a class-A enforcement probe can easily out-run us.

  Lister : Kryten, the Eastbourne Zimmer Frame Relay Team can easily out-run us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.

  Kryten : Mm. I was praying it wouldn't come to that, sir.

• Lister : [Deleted scene]  Okay, what about Napoleon? He had short hair, so what happened at Waterloo?

  Rimmer : Before the battle he'd been on the march for a hundred days and sadly neglected my cardinal rule: "an army marches on its haircut". On the eve of the battle the French forces looked like auditionees for a 1960s nude musical.

  Kryten : Sir, that is preposterous, Napoleon's defeat was due to the unexpected, late arrival of the Prussian forces.

  Rimmer : Oh, was it?

  Kryten : Yes it was, sir.

  Rimmer : And where had they been, these Prussian forces?

  Lister : Oh for God's sake!

  Rimmer : There's no evidence I admit, but my guess: They'd stopped off at Ein Cut Uber de Resten, for a brief cut and blow and a brief chat about their holiday snaps.

  Lister : Fascinating theory, man, you should write it down sometime in one of your non-toxic orange crayons. Try and get it published.

  Rimmer : Water off my back, Listy, some of the greatest minds in history have been sneered and scoffed at.

  Lister : So have some of the biggest idiots.

• Lister : He's too damn close! That power surge 'll toss us around like we're a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage!

• Rimmer : You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.

  Lister : [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech]  I'm going back to bed.

  Rimmer : Would it harm you to have hair like mine?

  The Cat : I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.

  Rimmer : Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.

  Kryten : Oh, surely not, sir!

  Rimmer : Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.

  Kryten : Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

• Computer : Property Corps Space removing and, equipment Corps Space damaging, ships Corps Space of series a looting with charged formally are you.

  Kryten : The materialisation must have scrambled its voice unit. It's making as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.

  Computer : Plead you do how?

  Rimmer : It's in reverse. "How do you plead?"

  The Cat : How do we plead to what?

  Kryten : It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.

  Lister : But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!

  Rimmer : Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.

  The Cat : What's the penalty for this? 'Cos if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide!

  Kryten : No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.

  Rimmer : Why so harsh?

  Kryten : It's Frontier law sir, and we're the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way to restore order. So don't expect it to show us any mercy.

  Rimmer : What do we do?

  Kryten : Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll!

  Lister : Yeah, but if we admit it, it'll blow us out of the stars.

  Rimmer : Recommendations?

  Kryten : Hmm, suggest I take the rap for all of you. You could say I held you hostage and forced you all to do my evil bidding.

  Rimmer : For God's sake, Kryten! We can't let you do that!

  Kryten : Really?

  Rimmer : Dream on, metal trash! Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight!

• Rimmer : Thrusters, boosters, reheats. Auto-repair can take care of everything, except the oxy-generation unit which is totally kaputski.

  Lister : So you're saying we can take off but we can't breathe?

  The Cat : And we can't repair it?

  Rimmer : It's a black and charred mess, worse than one of Lister's drunken fry-ups.

• Lister : There is no way I'm going down to Moss Bros for someone who is less attractive than my OWN ARMPIT after twenty games of table tennis!

• Rimmer : Scramble! Scramble! All hands on deck, emergency drill, scramble!

  [He runs out. Lister sleeps on. Rimmer walks back in] 

  Rimmer : Er, perhaps you didn't catch that. I said scramble!

  Lister : [half-asleep]  Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.

  Rimmer : Look, Starbug is a blazing inferno, the engine room is waist deep in rocket fuel and we're being attacked off the starboard bow by an unidentified craft!

  The Cat : [from his bunk]  Really?

  Rimmer : No, of course not really. It's a drill. We're pretending that Starbug is on fire and under attack.

  Lister : [sarcastically]  And I'm pretending to scramble, man. Goodnight.

  [He buries his head under the covers] 

  Rimmer : Look, you've got 30 seconds to get out of bed or I'm declaring you officially dead.

  [He leaves in a huff] 

  Lister : Good, then we can rest in peace.