Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Justice (1991)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?

  Lister : [Thinks about it, and answers truthfully]  I do.

  Kryten : And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?

  Lister : Only one. But she's got a puncture.

• [Rimmer is showing Kryten a slideshow of his rambling holiday through Red Dwarf's diesel decks, while giving an in-depth commentary] 

  Kryten : [extremely bored]  Sir, could we take a break for a while? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.

  Rimmer : Well, we're not going to get through them all, Kryten, if we take a second break.

  Kryten : Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.

• Rimmer : You're going to prove that I'm innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?

  The Cat : Man, there ain't a jury in the land who wouldn't buy a plea like that!

  Kryten : No, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.

• Kryten : I ask the court one key question: Would the Space Core ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity...

  Rimmer : Objection.

  Justice Computer voice : Objection overruled.

  Kryten : ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...

  Rimmer : Objection.

  Justice Computer voice : Overruled.

  Kryten : ...an incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot.

  Rimmer : OBJECTION.

  Justice Computer voice : If you object to your own counsel once more Mr. Rimmer, you will be in contempt.

  Kryten : Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests.

• The Cat : So what did you do?

  Lister : Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.

  Kryten : Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.

  Lister : No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.

• Kryten : [about Rimmer]  Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  The Cat : Take the Fifth!

  Kryten : Now, sir, if you can give an honest answer. You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  Lister : No, I describe the accused as a git.

• Kryten : With respect, sir, they are not androids, they are simulants.

  The Cat : What's the difference?

  Kryten : Well, the basic difference is that an android will not rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

• Lister : Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...

  Kryten : Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.

  Lister : I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.

  Rimmer : You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?

  Lister : Stole the entire room.

  Rimmer : Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!

• Kryten : Don't worry, Mr Lister, sir. I'm sure you won't be punished for some minor misdemeanour that you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.

  Lister : Seriously, Kryten? Do you reckon?

  Kryten : Boy! I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode! That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

• Kryten : I ask the court, look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions. This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man.

  Rimmer : Kryten, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.

  Kryten : Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork!

  Rimmer : [Grimaces, then agrees]  Understood.