- Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
- Holly: They're dead, Dave.
- Lister: Who is?
- Holly: Everybody, Dave.
- Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
- Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Lister: What, Todhunter?
- Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Lister: What, Selby?
- Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?
- Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
- Lister: Not Chen?
- Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody, everybody's dead, Dave!
- Lister: Rimmer?
- Holly: He's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
- Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
- Holly: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.
- Lister: Sir, just suppose I did have a cat, just suppose... what would you do with Frankenstein?
- Captain Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical centre and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
- Lister: Would you put it together when you finished?
- Captain Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
- Lister: So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?
- Lister: [about to enter the stasis booth] Is this going to hurt?
- Todhunter: Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?
- Lister: No.
- Todhunter: Oh, you don't feel a thing. The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time and for you time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.
- Lister: Oh, simple as that, eh?
- Lister: You asked to see me, Captain.
- Captain Hollister: Where's the cat?
- Lister: What? What cat?
- Captain Hollister: Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring onboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now I'm going to ask you again, do you have a cat?
- Lister: No.
- Captain Hollister: [showing a photo of Lister holding his cat] Have you got a cat?
- Lister: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
- Rimmer: Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.
- Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.
- Holly: I've been on me own for three million years and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar to tell you the truth.
- Captain Hollister: Just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
- Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer.
- Todhunter: There are 169 people onboard this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
- Lister: You see, I try sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy because he's such a smeg head!
- Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeg head?
- Todhunter: [laughs and pats Rimmer's shoulder] Oh, Rimmer! You are a smeg head.
- Lister: And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?
- Holly: She's dead, Dave.
- [Lister walks up to her chair in the drive room and looks at the pile of white powder which is all that remains of her now]
- Lister: [sorrowfully] Oh, eh...
- Holly: I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
- Lister: She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her but she going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and... I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.
- Holly: Well, she won't be much use to you in Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
- Lister: Holly!
- Lister: [has found out that the entire crew have been killed by a radiation leak] This is terrible. And why is it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?
- [again he dips his finger into one of the piles of white powder lying around and eats a bit of it]
- Holly: That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
- Lister: [spits it out] I've been eating half the crew!
- Lister: It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.
- Rimmer: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't academy-educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?
- Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?
- Rimmer: My parents, the wrong parents.
- McIntyre: [giving a speech to the crew after being resurrected as a hologram] As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: if you die, I'll kill you!
- Rimmer: Being a hologram is fine, Lister. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions... but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman, sexually.
- Lister: Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway.
- Rimmer: But I would have done one day, murderer!
- Lister: And look, look, you're not dead, are ya? I mean, you're "dead", but you're not dead-dead because you're still here, aren't ya?
- Rimmer: Lister, I'm not really here. I'm not really me. Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me.
- [points to his remains - a pile of white powder on the floor]
- Rimmer: That's me there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.
- [in a corridor, Lister and Rimmer suddenly encounter the Cat for the first time. They stare at this weird man in a pink suit]
- Cat: Uh-oh. Better make myself look big.
- [he raises his arms above his head in a predatory fashion. Lister and Rimmer run away]
- Lister: [pouring a bowl of cereal] Here you go, Cat.
- Cat: Ah, Crispeeees!
- Lister: Holly says you like these.
- Cat: Mmmm!
- [Lister puts the bowl on the floor]
- Cat: Hey, you monkeys eat off the floor? Ain't you got no style or sophistication?
- Lister: [picks up the bowls and puts it on the table in front of the Cat] Oh, I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
- Cat: You people are unbelievable!
- [he lifts the bowl to his mouth and laps up the cereal]
- Lister: He's coming home with us. Aren't you, Cat?
- Rimmer: Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?
- Lister: Earth!
- Rimmer: Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister? Even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years! Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans!
- Rimmer: [reading the test answers he's written on his arms] What does this MEAN? What does any of this mean? I've covered my body in complete and total and utter and absolute nonsense! Gibberish! AAARGH, Just relax, relax, relax, relax...