- Darlene Conner: You guys think we don't get your corny, little sex jokes.
- Roseanne Conner: Hey, you kids *are* our corny, little sex joke.
- Jackie Harris: [to her Mom, to explain why she hasn't been answering her phone] My apartment was getting fumigated, so...
- Al Harris: Fumigated, for what? All those *louses* you go out with.
- [cracks up]
- Dan Conner: [making out a shopping list, since Roseanne's parents showed up unannounced] Let me see if I got this straight. We need milk?
- Roseanne Conner: Milk.
- Dan Conner: Eggs?
- Roseanne Conner: Eggs.
- Dan Conner: Bullets?
- Bev Harris: [to Roseanne about Dan] What kind of list is he making? Not that it's any of my business.
- Dan Conner: A hit list.
- Bev Harris: [expressing why she worries about Jackie] Well somebody has to. She's 32, she's unmarried. Heaven forbid that she turns out to be like your Aunt Dale... who teaches P.E.
- Roseanne Conner: Speaking of Aunt Dale, how is Uncle Shirley?
- Roseanne Conner: If my parents move to Lanford, I am gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life, because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing 'em away!
- Dan Conner: Hunny, hunny, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.
- Roseanne Conner: [stuck sleeping on cots, they talk about the possibility that Roseanne's parents might move to Lanford] Seriously, Dan, what are we going to do?
- Dan Conner: Well, I'd say let's sleep on it... but who could sleep! You know, if you knew how to stand up to your parents, we wouldn't be lying here right now.
- Roseanne Conner: What is that supposed to mean? And I'm warning you, that fireplace poker's within reach!