Roseanne (TV Series)

Wait till Your Father Gets Home (1993)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Roseanne : [their father has just died]  That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list.

  Jackie : I can't call people, Roseanne!

  Roseanne : Jackie... dial!

  Jackie : I'm supposed to be in mourning.

  Roseanne : Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!

  Jackie : [dials the phone]  I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...

  [slowly getting louder] 

  Jackie : I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!

  Jackie : [hangs up]  I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!

• [first lines] 

  D.J. : I'm gonna be twelve! I don't want any more babysitters! Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay alone when they were my age!

  Roseanne : Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.

  D.J. : So when do boys get mature?

  Roseanne : We'll let you know as soon as your Dad gets there.

• Roseanne : [on the phone with airline rep]  Uh, yeah, I'm here. It's "Harris". "Al Harris", he's my dad. Look, I just got through telling this whole thing to somebody else. Well, all I wanna know is if his flight's coming in on time. No, not coach; try baggage.

  Jackie : Ask 'em about his frequent flyer miles. He was a salesman. It would've been very important to him.

  Roseanne : Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something?

  [on the phone again] 

  Roseanne : Yeah, I'm here. Listen, this is gonna sound kind of weird and everything, but is he going to be coming down that conveyor belt with everybody's baggage?

  [pause] 

  Roseanne : No, no, the mortuary picks him up. Oh, that's good 'cause I didn't think we could fit him in our truck.

  [pause] 

  Roseanne : Well, I'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, I'm saving my best jokes for the funeral!

• Roseanne : [Roseanne stands alone, next to her father's coffin]  Uh, Dad, I'm real sorry that you died before I got to tell you some stuff.

  [She takes out a letter and reads from it] 

  Roseanne : OK. I'm angry at you for lying to me my whole life. I'm angry that I didn't ever know who you really were. I'm mad that when I was a kid, you ignored me and when you did give me any attention, it was usually violent. I'm mad that you left us alone with a crazy mother. I'm mad that because of you, I grew up distrustful of men and that I couldn't even trust my own husband for the first five years we were married. I'm mad at you because you did all the same stuff to Jackie, and because you made us feel like we were never good enough. But now, I just need it to end. So, Dad, I'm forgiving you, just because I need to move on with my life. And, I forgive myself for being so damned angry.

  [She hesitates, then places the letter in the coffin, and walks to the door] 

  Roseanne : Thank you for your humor. I love you. Goodbye.

  [She leaves] 

• Bev Harris : I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it.

  Roseanne : Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room.

  Darlene : Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?

• Roseanne : Mom, do I have to remind you? We can only afford one coffin today.