- Wilbur Wright: Well, back to the drawing board, Orville. What good's an automobile if we can't keep the darned thing on the ground?
- Dan Rowan: In 1917 we fought the Germans and we won. In 1941 we fought the Germans and we won. What I'd like to know is: why are we messing around with North-Vietnam when we could fight the Germans and win again?
- Henry Gibson: The war you have just seen was true. Only lives have been lost to protect the innocent.
- Goldie Hawn: Hey, how about a big finish, folk?
- Arte Johnson: Would you settle for a little Swede?
- Goldie Hawn: I've never been out with one.
- Dan Rowan: California, 1989, twenty years from now. Law and order reached it's peak today when King Ronald Reagan deputized the entire population of the United States from his bomb proof shelter under beautiful downtown Disneyland.
- Dick Martin: Well, I see by the little old cue cards that it's, eh, time for a Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Award again.
- Jo Anne Worley: We're a non-violent country and statistics prove it: every 25 years, peace breaks out.
- Judy Carne: Dave, I just bought a pair of shoes for 125 dollars. Alligator shoes at that.
- Dave Madden: At those prices, my alligator can go barefoot!
- Henry Gibson: But what about the buffalo?
- Judy Carne: J.J.?
- J.J. Barry: Yeah?
- Judy Carne: Where do bad little girls go?
- J.J. Barry: They go to a lotta parties. heh heh heh heh.
- Judy Carne: Peter?
- Peter Lawford: Yes?
- Judy Carne: Ere, what's the shortest name in the English language?
- Peter Lawford: Mickey Rooney.
- Jo Anne Worley: Oh, I've had Mickey Rooney up to here.
- David Janssen: So I said to myself, "Self..."
- Gladys Ormphby: Mr. Jantzen?
- David Janssen: Yes, what is it?
- Gladys Ormphby: I've been wearing one of your bathing suits for years.
- David Janssen: Good, good, good, don't tell anybody.
- Ruth Buzzi: Obviously, people prefer war to peace. We had peace a few years ago, but it didn't catch on.
- Goldie Hawn: My aunt just opened a pancake house.
- Dan Rowan: Oh, how's business?
- Goldie Hawn: Good, they're selling like hotcakes.
- Sister Goldie: I'm so upset. Do you know, someone was caught reading comic books in my class again today?
- Sister Chelsea: Who?
- Sister Goldie: Me.
- George Washington: Wouldn't you know it? The night of the big dance, and I get a run in my stocking.
- Judy Carne: My uncle said the reason that surfing is so popular is it gives kids the two things they really want. A cheap thrill and a free ride.
- Peter Lawford: I hear Governor Reagan is really worried about earthquakes in California. He's afraid Berkeley may shift even further to the left.
- Peter Lawford: Personally, I've always considered Fidel Castro to be nefarious.
- Goldie Hawn: Maybe that's why they never got married.