- Sabrina Spellman: I'm revising my Christmas wish list. This year I'm hoping for a computer, a mountain bike... Oh, and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.
- Salem Saberhagen: You're not exactly the Little Match Girl, are you?
- Zelda Spellman: Those sound pretty expensive, Sabrina.
- Sabrina Spellman: I know. That's why I prepared a list of backup gift ideas in a variety of price ranges. Gotta go. Oh, and you'll note on the bottom, I've listed the times I won't be around, so you can wrap my presents.
- Sabrina Spellman: So I can't decide whether I shoot for A, the computer and the mountain bike, B, the computer and the ski jacket, or C, all of the above.
- Harvey Kinkle: I'd hate to be there if you got a savings bond.
- Zelda Spellman: You know, I was thinking, when we finish with the tree, that we could roast some chestnuts the mortal way.
- Hilda Spellman: Oh, good grief. What's next? Driving to the store?
- Zelda Spellman: For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?
- Hilda Spellman: Could you be less technical?
- Zelda Spellman: Oh!
- Salem Saberhagen: Keep trimming that tree, and you'll be able to use it in your car as an air freshener.
- Libby Chessler: I hate Christmas.
- Harvey Kinkle: What's your take on Kwanza?
- Sabrina Spellman: Usually like all the presents, but this year I have to be around my bratty stepbrother, Russell.
- Harvey Kinkle: Really? Your family has a brat in it?
- Libby Chessler: He colours with my lipsticks, drips chocolate on my stuff, and he can cry on cue.
- [to Sabrina]
- Libby Chessler: What's your problem, freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?
- Sabrina Spellman: And a crossbow!
- Mr. Glass: We're talking about a very bloody war. Why are you smiling?
- Sabrina Spellman: Because I've been desensitized by popular culture?
- Salem Saberhagen: Push, push. Push! Push! I knew those Lamaze classes would pay off.
- Zelda Spellman: There.
- Hilda Spellman: We have the makings of a beautiful fire hazard.
- Zelda Spellman: What do you think?
- Salem Saberhagen: That's what a mortal tree looks like? No wonder they drink during the holidays.
- Zelda Spellman: And, boy, it is really getting cold outside.
- Salem Saberhagen: Here's a tip, try wearing clothes.
- Zelda Spellman: Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite...
- Sabrina Spellman: Green silk one?
- Zelda Spellman: Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask before you borrow my clothes? Especially when I'm already wearing them.
- Sabrina Spellman: Something's wrong with me, Aunt Zelda. I conjured asparagus, I got Aunt Hilda's. I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.
- Salem Saberhagen: Whatever you do, don't conjure anything fur.
- Zelda Spellman: Now, there's nothing to be afraid of. Dr. Bull is one of the most highly regarded witch psychiatrists around.
- Hilda Spellman: She's got two doctorates from Other Realm universities and one from Utah State.
- Sabrina Spellman: And tell me again why I had to sign that lobotomy release form?
- Dr. Bull: What say we have a chat with your inner child?
- Sabrina Spellman: Hey, I recognise you. You're always encouraging me to run with scissors.
- Dr. Bull: Tell me, inner child, what do you like most about Christmas?
- Inner Child: All the presents.
- Dr. Bull: Do you enjoy being with other people at Christmas?
- Inner Child: If they bring me presents.
- Dr. Bull: Thank you. That will be all.
- Inner Child: Where's my presents?
- Dr. Bull: [to Sabrina] I see what's happening here. You're trying to recapture the excitement of Christmas you felt as a child. So you're acting like a child. Or, medically speaking, a spoiled brat.
- Zelda Spellman: Sabrina, when you have egotitis, you can't get any presents.
- Hilda Spellman: Receiving gifts only makes it worse.
- Sabrina Spellman: This better be gone by my birthday.
- Hilda Spellman: Do you realise what you've done?
- Sabrina Spellman: What, Bob's gonna sue?
- Zelda Spellman: No. He's Santa Claus.
- Sabrina Spellman: What?
- Hilda Spellman: That's right. You've just maimed Father Christmas.
- Sabrina Spellman: So I guess I'm not the only one not getting presents this year.
- Sabrina Spellman: So if you're Santa, how come you're not chubby?
- Bob: Oh, combination of cardiovascular exercise and a little weight-training. Could be that tapeworm.
- Bob: Anyway, I've got a lot of deliveries to make. Ha-ha. Ho, ho, ho-- Ohh! Oh!
- Zelda Spellman: You are not going anywhere.
- Sabrina Spellman: Isn't there someone that could fill in? Like a temp service or a cousin?
- Bob: Well, there's always Mrs. Claus, but I can't call her. She works for UPS. This time of year, they're real crazy.
- Salem Saberhagen: How about a palm-sized digital camera? Not for me, but a friend who's fallen on hard times. We'll call him Salem.
- Zelda Spellman: We have a problem. Our niece Sabrina has a case of egotitis.
- Bob: Yeah, that's not your only problem.
- Hilda Spellman: It isn't?
- Bob: No, you've got one sorry-looking Christmas tree.
- Salem Saberhagen: [referring to Christmas tree decorating] Oh, I see. First you kill the tree, and then you humiliate it.
- Dr. Bull: Conjures things from others, narcissism. Based on these symptoms, one would conclude that you're suffering from egotitis.
- Sabrina Spellman: Me? I'm not the one with the wall full of diplomas.
- Dr. Bull: Attacks when provoked. It's a textbook case. You're behaving like a little girl.
- Sabrina Spellman: Am not!
- Dr. Bull: The cure for this malady must come from within. You've got to rediscover the magic of Christmas. And when you do, your egotitis will go away.
- Sabrina Spellman: That's it?
- Dr. Bull: Except for this. Hundred and twenty dollars, please.
- Salem Saberhagen: This is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time, and she's supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning? Am I the only one who sees a problem?
- Zelda Spellman: You know, Salem, that's an excellent point.
- Salem Saberhagen: That's an excellent point. That's an excellent point. That is the last time I point out the flaw in someone's logic.
- Salem Saberhagen: So the next time you're abroad, remember my simple rule, Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.
- Zelda Spellman: Well, there is someone who could help.
- Sabrina Spellman: And we didn't call him before because...?
- Hilda Spellman: He's a very big hoo-hah in the Other Realm.
- Sabrina Spellman: Who is he?
- Zelda Spellman: Bob.
- Sabrina Spellman: So his parents didn't know he'd be important when they named him.
- Zelda Spellman: Let's summon him with the Bob song.
- [singing]
- Zelda Spellman: Hm.
- Zelda Spellman, Hilda Spellman: [singing] Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
- Sabrina Spellman: How do you remember the lyrics?
- Bob: Trying to recapture the spirit of Christmas, huh?
- Zelda Spellman: Mm. Can you help?
- Bob: I'll give it a shot. I know. Say, why don't you and I take a little trip to Christmas past? No, it's been done.
- Hilda Spellman: Trust me, the trip to the graveyard is quite depressing.
- Bob: Why don't you and I try to go and recapture your childhood Christmas memories? And maybe have a look at the new Chryslers.
- Sabrina Spellman: You have met this guy before, right?