- Principal Willard Kraft: It looked like your book bag was just floating behind you.
- Sabrina Spellman: Ha, ha, wouldn't I love that?
- Principal Willard Kraft: But I... All right, that's the last time I buy Minoxidil out of somebody's trunk.
- Harvey Kinkle: Hey, guess what. I was the 23rd caller to the radio station and I won two tickets to the Lisa Loeb concert this weekend.
- Sabrina Spellman: You're kidding. I've devoted my life to being the 23rd caller. But I'm a purist. I never use speed dial.
- Harvey Kinkle: So you wanna go? They're great seats.
- Sabrina Spellman: You mean we can actually see the band? I can't.
- Harvey Kinkle: Why?
- Sabrina Spellman: Well, I went out twice last week and I sort of promised my aunts I'd stay in and do some schoolwork. It's not like I have a lot. Heh.
- Harvey Kinkle: The seats are right next to the speakers.
- Sabrina Spellman: Oh, man. That's where the fights usually break out.
- Sabrina Spellman: Lose something?
- Hilda Spellman: My mind, possibly. I bought a new pair of shoes. I left them on this table for seconds, and now they're gone.
- Sabrina Spellman: I'd say they didn't walk off by themselves, but in this house it could happen.
- Hilda Spellman: I know what happened: Zelda. She's a compulsive neat freak. Back during the plague, she used to get upset if people didn't leave their dead in neat, tidy rows.
- Sabrina Spellman: I went to a bad movie and a 99-cent store with Valerie and for that I have to miss a free concert?
- Salem Saberhagen: Oh, I'll feel sorry for you tonight when I'm sleeping in my wicker basket by those old paint cans.
- Sabrina Spellman: I can't believe Zelda. Where does she get off holding me to what I agreed to?
- Salem Saberhagen: What is that famous expression? "If at first you don't succeed, try another aunt."
- Sabrina Spellman: Doesn't sound very honest.
- Salem Saberhagen: You want honest or do you wanna go out and bleed from your ears with Harvey?
- Salem Saberhagen: Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Why can't you act like a normal family and argue on the front lawn?
- Zelda Spellman: Sabrina.
- Sabrina Spellman: Still up?
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- Sabrina Spellman: I'll take that as a yes.
- Sabrina Spellman: Great. Why can't Gordie's parents have a couples-therapy weekend when I'm not grounded?
- Harvey Kinkle: Hey, did you hear about Gordie's party? I bet the cops will be there before 10.
- Sabrina Spellman: I can't go.
- Harvey Kinkle: You have to go. You'll have nothing in common with the entire student body if you don't go. I mean, I'll still like you, but I don't think we'll have anything to talk about.
- Hilda Spellman: No.
- Sabrina Spellman: Oh, but everyone's going. I even think the custodial staff is coming.
- Hilda Spellman: No. No fun.
- Sabrina Spellman: But this isn't fun. It's a matter of survival. If I don't go, I'll be president of the Geeks Anonymous, only I won't be anonymous.
- Hilda Spellman: Then I hope God grants you the serenity to know that my answer is something you can't change.
- Harvey Kinkle: Your Aunt Hilda's still saying no?
- Sabrina Spellman: Now she's moved on to "No way" and "Ask again and you'll never see sunlight."
- Libby Chessler: Sabrina, I heard Ellen Healy can't go to the party either, so she's transferring to another school.
- Sabrina Spellman: It's just a dumb party.
- Libby Chessler: Right. And New Year's Eve, will be just another night of hats and horns. But don't worry, I'll be there to keep Harvey company.
- Sabrina Spellman: Uh, the president of the Science Club is having a...
- Zelda Spellman: What? What?
- Sabrina Spellman: The Science Club.
- Zelda Spellman: Oh, I love the Science Club. I wish your Aunt Hilda had had more science. I think it makes a person organised.
- Sabrina Spellman: Oh, well, I tried to talk to her about this, but-- Pfft.
- Zelda Spellman: She grew distracted by something shiny?
- Sabrina Spellman: Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, Aunt Zelda. You're pretty funny.
- Zelda Spellman: Well, you can tell me. I love science.
- Sabrina Spellman: Okay, well, um, see, this Saturday, the Science Club is having a special...
- Zelda Spellman: Meeting?
- Sabrina Spellman: Yes. People will be meeting.
- Zelda Spellman: Well, you go, then. Women in science, Sabrina. That's the future. You go. And you be the brightest one there.
- Sabrina Spellman: Um... Okay.
- Sabrina Spellman: But before you ground me again, I think you should know that the trend these days is to factor in time served.
- Zelda Spellman: I can't believe you tricked me into letting you go to that party.
- Sabrina Spellman: Well, now that Aunt Hilda's gone, why don't we just blame it all on her and call it a night? Ha.
- Sabrina Spellman: You are aware this looks exactly like Aunt Zelda's place?
- Hilda Spellman: It's the exact opposite. Plus, I added a doily.
- Salem Saberhagen: I hate it.
- Sabrina Spellman: How can you hate it? It's just like home.
- Salem Saberhagen: Because I hate change, and it smells like sweat and spit.
- Sabrina Spellman: That's you.
- Salem Saberhagen: Oh.
- Sabrina Spellman: Sure, it's a little weird, but, you know, moving between two houses has its upside. I hear travel broadens you.
- Salem Saberhagen: [crying] I'm a latchkey kitty.
- The Witch Judge: The Witches' Council insists you reside in only one household.
- Sabrina Spellman: Why?
- The Witch Judge: Check Article 12, Section 15.
- Sabrina Spellman: Because you say so?
- Sabrina Spellman: I don't have a favourite. I love both.
- The Witch Judge: This is a court of law. This is not a greeting-card company.
- Harvey Kinkle: I just wondered what happened to you.
- Sabrina Spellman: Oh, right. We were supposed to get married.
- Harvey Kinkle: I figured you forgot.
- Sabrina Spellman: No, no, no. You gave me a licence to sign. It's around here somewhere. Oh, here it is. Sorry about the gum. It's not too late, is it?
- Harvey Kinkle: Yeah. I gave you that three years ago.
- Sabrina Spellman: Man, I'm so disorganized. Well, you're here now. Let me grab my coat.
- Harvey Kinkle: Sabrina, I've moved on. I married someone else.
- Sabrina Spellman: And you didn't call?
- Harvey Kinkle: I did. You told me you'd call me back after you finished your game of "Tetris." How's that going, by the way? Look, I came here because I wanted you to meet my wife. Honey?
- Libby Chessler: [Sabrina screams] All right, she's alive. Can we go now?
- Sabrina Spellman: I have to find a way to get Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda back together.
- Salem Saberhagen: Is there a spell that would force them to share a spleen?
- Sabrina Spellman: Okay. How about if I find something that they both love and cherish and put it in danger?
- Salem Saberhagen: Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
- Sabrina Spellman: Not you. Me.
- Salem Saberhagen: Oh, thank goodness. But I am willing to help. I could push you down the stairs.
- Libby Chessler: I've come for my weekly supply of your anti-aging cream.
- Sabrina Spellman: Sure. Here you go. What do you say?
- Libby Chessler: Sabrina's the best. I'm a freak.
- Sabrina Spellman: Salem, it's working. They'll be back together in no time.
- Salem Saberhagen: I've been sizing up their spleens just in case.
- Hilda Spellman: I'm gonna go make you some nice noodle soup.
- Zelda Spellman: I put that under C, for chicken. Or was it P, for poultry?
- Sabrina Spellman: No, they called the doctor!
- Salem Saberhagen: I was against this plan from the beginning.
- Sabrina Spellman: Wait, this couldn't have been a ruse. I mean, I was called before the Witches' Council.
- The Witch Judge: And we were happy to help. It's been a slow month, and I've got teenagers at home.
- Sabrina Spellman: Talk about your full-service organisation.
- The Witch Judge: And now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go deal with a little boy who won't wash behind his ears. This time, I get to be a matador.
- Sabrina Spellman: But are we all aware that he did not fix my hair?
- Zelda Spellman: And now aren't you glad you're grounded?
- Principal Willard Kraft: My grandmother's been wanting me to see someone.
- Hilda Spellman: I'm sure you'll meet someone nice when you least expect it.
- Principal Willard Kraft: No, this is "see someone" as in psychiatrist. Although admittedly, I have been seeing quite a few strange things here and there. Mostly here.
- Zelda Spellman: I don't know what you're referring to.
- Principal Willard Kraft: Well, strange sparkly things and paper dissolving and staircase slides and a townhouse that looks identical to this Victorian home.
- Zelda Spellman: Oh, you don't need a psychiatrist. You just have a wonderfully active imagination.
- Hilda Spellman: You probably feel so free to let yourself go around us because we're so relaxed and comforting.
- Zelda Spellman: And normal.
- Principal Willard Kraft: Good, so we're normal.
- Zelda Spellman: Oh, I'm just irritated with Hilda. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a small child. Except this child can reach the high cabinets.
- Sabrina Spellman: You know, maybe you should talk to her. Uh, and I think it would be best if I wasn't around. And amazingly enough, Harvey is willing to take me away to a concert. Oh, you wanna know the time. Friday at 9.
- Zelda Spellman: Didn't you say you were gonna stay home this weekend?
- Sabrina Spellman: Possibly.
- Zelda Spellman: Didn't you say you had a lot of work to do?
- Sabrina Spellman: You're paraphrasing, but yes.
- Zelda Spellman: And didn't you promise not to even ask permission to go somewhere?
- Sabrina Spellman: Heh, that Aunt Hilda's a real pain, huh?
- Sabrina Spellman: What are you gonna do to me?
- Zelda Spellman: Under the circumstances...
- Hilda Spellman: The only thing we can do.
- Sabrina Spellman: You're throwing me out?
- Hilda Spellman: No. I'm moving out.
- Sabrina Spellman: This is a very odd punishment.