- Aunt Esther Anderson: I need help!
- Fred G. Sanford: Help? I'm just a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: Please, Fred, I need your truck.
- Fred G. Sanford: I agree. Son, you take the truck and run over Esther's face.
- Fred G. Sanford: I learned the day after Lamont was born that it's much harder to be a father than it is to become one.
- Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson: [as Esther and Daniel come into the store, Woody turns to Fred] Does he look tough to you?
- Fred G. Sanford: Hard to tell. Standing next to Esther, King Kong would look like John-Boy.
- Daniel: [to Lamont, referring to Esther throwing him out] She told me, "Get out of my house, heathen!"
- Fred G. Sanford: [Butting in] That'll do it.
- Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
- Daniel: I just told her I didn't believe in God, that's all.
- Fred G. Sanford: That's all? Telling Esther there's no God is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more toothpaste!