- Weekend Update Anchor: And the number one oil spill of all time: Jerry Lewis' hair, Labor Day, 1988, Caesars Palace: 165 million gallons.
- Woodsman: My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?
- Lady Cecily: Why, yes.
- Woodsman: I mean, I could help you fix things around here all night. And, maybe, during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down. Or a mysterious draft might come through that window and eh, blow your skirt up over your head, giving us brief, but titilating glimpses of one another. But what are we waiting for, eh? I'm a very lusty woodsman, and you're a wanton lady. Hey, let's just do it, eh? Let's just have... hot, passionate sex.
- Lady Cecily: Oh, I'd like nothing more!
- Evelyn Quince: [cut to host as the Lady falls into the Woodman's strong manly arms] Oh, I don't like this! This is becoming less randy and more sexually explicit at every moment! Our once baudy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography! And I don't like it!
- Weekend Update Anchor: And tonight's the night we go to daylight savings time, so move the expiration date on your condom ahead one hour. Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am outta here.