- Colin Quinn: Christian Slater, currently serving a 90 day jail sentence, was released for one night to attend the premiere of his new film Hard Rain. Twenty minutes into the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to his cell.
- Debbie Matenopoulus: Well, if I had a clone, I'd make out with myself.
- [her three co-hosts look on with disdain]
- Debbie Matenopoulus: I... I'm just kidding.
- Barbara Walters: Do not speak again!
- Ted Kaczynski: I can assure you I am perfectly competent to represent myself. Let, let me show you my law degree.
- [drops a crumpled piece of paper on the table]
- Dr. Sally Johnson: [after unfolding the piece of paper] Mr. Kaczynski, this is a used Denny's placemat with the words 'I'm a lawyer' written on it.
- Ted Kaczynski: So, we're all set then? Okay, I'm gonna need, eh, some legal pads, a really hot secretary and, eh, a lot of meatloaf.
- Saddam Hussein: Stupid American Olsen twins! I hope you like being blown up by anthrax!