- Samuel L. Jackson: And the next supermodel I run into backstage who mistakes me for one of the Wayans brothers, I will kick her ass!
- [picks up his award and leaves]
- Gisele Bundchen: Give it up for Will Smith, he's so cute!
- Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, today is a special Halloween culinary spooks-travaganza. So let's summon some ghoulies and ghosties to help us make ghoulash and toasties.
- J. Gordon Harrington II: You know what? I've changed my mind, I will produce your play.
- Ching Change: What made you change mind?
- J. Gordon Harrington II: Nothing.
- Ching Change: I accept!
- Tina Fey: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!
- Tina Fey: With election day approaching, the Presidential candidates stepped up their TV appearances. This week Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and The View. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on Judge Joe Brown and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at a Walgreens.
- Jimmy Fallon: A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is leading Al Gore by a margin of 4% - or, as George W. Bush would refer to it... this many.
- [holds up four fingers]
- Tina Fey: It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.