Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera (2003)

Chris Parnell: Various, George W. Bush

Quotes 

• President George W. Bush : Thank you. Thank you. Good evening. Last week, I held a press conference to discuss with the American people the serious matters that are facing our country and our world. Some people have claimed that the questions were too soft... and did not challenge this administration's position, position concerning the use of force in Iraq. Because of this I've decided to hold another press conference, in response to my previous press conference. I have invited the most diverse and respected media outlets to join me tonight and I have encouraged them to ask the tough questions.

  [picks a reporter out of the crowd] 

  President George W. Bush : Yes.

  Kathy Davis : Kathy Davis, Pineapple Growers Trade Association Weekly. As we head into war, is it safe to say that pineapples continue to be sweet and delicious?

  President George W. Bush : Kathy... I would say yes. I, uh, I feel that whatever the political climate, the taste and enjoyment of pineapples remains a constant. Uh... next question.

• [Salma Hayek launching a smear campaign against "Chicago"] 

  [while showing clips from "Chicago"] 

  Announcer : "Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it?

  Salma Hayek : Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida".

  Announcer : "Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

• [Salma Hayek contines her campaign against "Chicago] 

  [showing a photo of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and a drawing of an apartment littered with "Chicago" memorabilia] 

  Announcer : On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia.

  Salma Hayek : Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"?

  [hesitant] 

  Salma Hayek : No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism.

  Announcer : Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check.

• ["Chicago" and Salma Hayek have gone to war] 

  Announcer 1 : Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, that the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: Renée Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a practicing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our...

  [Salma Hayek runs into the commercial and points at Renée Zellweger's crotch] 

  Salma Hayek : Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"!

  Announcer : Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.