Scrubs (TV Series)

My Boss's Free Haircut (2005)

John C. McGinley: Dr. Perry Cox

Quotes 

• Dr. Cox : You, my friend, look do damn leathery, I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball, cinch you up with a belt, and stick you under the mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday, BUT since I'm here to heal, not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find this first one is for an extra large mallet to help you pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big, floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house. Have a great day. You look like a purse.

• Dr. Cox : [as Kelso sits next to him on the couch]  What is it, Bob?

  Dr. Kelso : When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.

  Dr. Cox : Uh?

  Dr. Kelso : Enid was recently paralyzed. I haven't told anyone.

  Dr. Cox : Mh.

  Dr. Kelso : Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients; so go ahead, take your shots.

  Dr. Cox : I want to, Bob, I really do; but my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said "pretty please" first, and... I'm not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.

  Dr. Kelso : Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?

  Dr. Cox : Yeah...

  Dr. Kelso : Ah... when I first started out, I could take this old white coat out, get a free haircut or a nice table at the restaurant... and hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.

  Dr. Cox : People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie just for doing my job.

  Dr. Kelso : Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor... and I used that to sleep with all those mothers, because that's what "house call" used to mean.

  Dr. Cox : Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob. Today people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their Internet phones.

  Dr. Kelso : So that's what that damn thing was...

  Dr. Cox : I will tell you one thing, though: if you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays you damn sure better speak from your heart.

  Dr. Kelso : Thank you, Perry.

  Dr. Cox : Blow it out your ass, Bob.

• Dr. Kelso : I'm tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.

  Dr. Cox : I was actually saying 'jokers' and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

• Dr. Kelso : Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.

  Dr. Cox : Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.

• Dr. Cox : I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.

  Dr. Kelso : Thank you, Perry.

  Dr. Cox : Blow it out your ass, Bob.