Scrubs (TV Series)

My Boss's Free Haircut (2005)

Ken Jenkins: Dr. Bob Kelso

Quotes 

• Dr. Kelso : Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

• Dr. Kelso : You are going to shut your damn yapper and listen for a change, because I got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with the surgery because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, Missy, let me break this down for you, Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.

  J.D. : [Narration]  And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.

  Dr. Kelso : There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doin' the work.

  Nell Goldman : What if it's too hard?

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Yeah, what if it's too hard?

  Dr. Kelso : Turkleton, I have no idea why you're chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

• Dr. Cox : [as Kelso sits next to him on the couch]  What is it, Bob?

  Dr. Kelso : When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.

  Dr. Cox : Uh?

  Dr. Kelso : Enid was recently paralyzed. I haven't told anyone.

  Dr. Cox : Mh.

  Dr. Kelso : Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients; so go ahead, take your shots.

  Dr. Cox : I want to, Bob, I really do; but my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said "pretty please" first, and... I'm not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.

  Dr. Kelso : Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?

  Dr. Cox : Yeah...

  Dr. Kelso : Ah... when I first started out, I could take this old white coat out, get a free haircut or a nice table at the restaurant... and hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.

  Dr. Cox : People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie just for doing my job.

  Dr. Kelso : Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor... and I used that to sleep with all those mothers, because that's what "house call" used to mean.

  Dr. Cox : Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob. Today people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their Internet phones.

  Dr. Kelso : So that's what that damn thing was...

  Dr. Cox : I will tell you one thing, though: if you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays you damn sure better speak from your heart.

  Dr. Kelso : Thank you, Perry.

  Dr. Cox : Blow it out your ass, Bob.

• Dr. Kelso : I'm tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.

  Dr. Cox : I was actually saying 'jokers' and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

• Dr. Kelso : Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.

  Dr. Cox : Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.

• Dr. Cox : I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.

  Dr. Kelso : Thank you, Perry.

  Dr. Cox : Blow it out your ass, Bob.

• Nell Goldman : Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?

  Dr. Kelso : Maybe because I graduated first of my class at Stanford in 1972.

  Nell Goldman : You graduated 12th in your class in 1968.

  Nurse Laverne Roberts : She Googled your ass.

• Dr. Kelso : Let me break this down for you bobo style