Scrubs (TV Series)

My Hypocritical Oath (2005)

John C. McGinley: Dr. Perry Cox

Quotes 

• Dr. Elliot Reid : Dr Kelso, I've thought about it and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr Cheng to die.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Excuse me?

  Dr. Perry Cox : Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoying? Well, happy birthday to me!

  [catches a lamp and uses it as a radio microphone in his following lines] 

  Dr. Elliot Reid : We should do an exchange transfusion.

  Dr. Perry Cox : And the southpaw with the blond bangs and big britches comes out s-winging!

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites 1, person 0! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Oooh! Tremendous body blow!

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Oh, and for the record... we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.

  Dr. Perry Cox : [now using the lamp as a ring microphone]  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!

  Dr. Bob Kelso : By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.

  Dr. Perry Cox : [letting fall the lamp on the desk]  Why, here, that's all and good, but I'm not available!

• Dr. Perry Cox : Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game; and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh, my God... oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes"... be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!

  [whistles] 

  The Janitor : [sitting on a chair, petting an invisible cat; speaks in a fake English accent]  So... you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.

  Dr. Perry Cox : What is that in your lap?

  The Janitor : Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey!

• Dr. Perry Cox : Look. I was way outta line telling you how that movie ended. But, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?

  The Janitor : I would like... to perform open-heart surgery.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No.

  The Janitor : How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water?

  Dr. Perry Cox : No.

  The Janitor : I would like a shark that can read minds.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No!

  The Janitor : You and I trade lives for a year.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No!

  The Janitor : How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?

  Dr. Perry Cox : Done.

  The Janitor : [They shake on it]  Done!

• The Janitor : Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!

  Dr. Perry Cox : Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?

  The Janitor : I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Really?

  The Janitor : No, you idiot. I'm just gonna TELL you the score of the game... and maybe knock your head against the glass.

• Dr. Elliot Reid : [about Dr. Kelso]  Do you believe that guy?

  Dr. Perry Cox : I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : So, what do you think we should do?

  Dr. Perry Cox : Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the Heat. It's the game of the year -- Shaq versus Kobe. And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Shaq versus Kobe?

  Dr. Perry Cox : All the best.