Scrubs (TV Series)

My Hypocritical Oath (2005)

Neil Flynn: Janitor

Quotes 

• Dr. Perry Cox : Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game; and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh, my God... oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes"... be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!

  [whistles] 

  The Janitor : [sitting on a chair, petting an invisible cat; speaks in a fake English accent]  So... you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.

  Dr. Perry Cox : What is that in your lap?

  The Janitor : Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey!

• Dr. Perry Cox : Look. I was way outta line telling you how that movie ended. But, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?

  The Janitor : I would like... to perform open-heart surgery.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No.

  The Janitor : How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water?

  Dr. Perry Cox : No.

  The Janitor : I would like a shark that can read minds.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No!

  The Janitor : You and I trade lives for a year.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No!

  The Janitor : How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?

  Dr. Perry Cox : Done.

  The Janitor : [They shake on it]  Done!

• The Janitor : Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!

  Dr. Perry Cox : Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?

  The Janitor : I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Really?

  The Janitor : No, you idiot. I'm just gonna TELL you the score of the game... and maybe knock your head against the glass.