- Dr. Bob Kelso: [sees Turk sitting on the desk] What the Hell are you doing?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [with excitement] I get to have SEX!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [under breath] I hate this place.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Kelso, I've thought about it and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr Cheng to die.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Excuse me?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoying? Well, happy birthday to me!
- [catches a lamp and uses it as a radio microphone in his following lines]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: We should do an exchange transfusion.
- Dr. Perry Cox: And the southpaw with the blond bangs and big britches comes out s-winging!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites 1, person 0! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oooh! Tremendous body blow!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, and for the record... we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [now using the lamp as a ring microphone] Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [letting fall the lamp on the desk] Why, here, that's all and good, but I'm not available!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game; and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh, my God... oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes"... be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!
- [whistles]
- The Janitor: [sitting on a chair, petting an invisible cat; speaks in a fake English accent] So... you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
- Dr. Perry Cox: What is that in your lap?
- The Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. enters where James and Kylie are waiting] Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
- [Thinking]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ... So the moth says..."That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I... I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
- [Thinking]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "The light was on"!
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!"
- [Kylie bursts out laughing. James stares blankly]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: The light! The light, James. Moths love light.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Look. I was way outta line telling you how that movie ended. But, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?
- The Janitor: I would like... to perform open-heart surgery.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No.
- The Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No.
- The Janitor: I would like a shark that can read minds.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No!
- The Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No!
- The Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Done.
- The Janitor: [They shake on it] Done!
- The Janitor: Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?
- The Janitor: I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Really?
- The Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna TELL you the score of the game... and maybe knock your head against the glass.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mr. Chang's test results showed that he's in renal failure. We're just waiting for the results of his blood smear.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: No need. I saw his chart right before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another twelve hours and the bakery closes at five.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [about Dr. Kelso] Do you believe that guy?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, what do you think we should do?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the Heat. It's the game of the year -- Shaq versus Kobe. And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Shaq versus Kobe?
- Dr. Perry Cox: All the best.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude! You can't tell her! They won't let you be a doctor anymore!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Who cares! I'd make more money bartending!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk enters with an entire armful of coats] Baby! So, I didn't know which one was yours, so I grabbed all of 'em.
- Kylie: What happened to your eye?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, this, it's a little embarrassing. I was playing baske...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk enters] Embarrassing for me, actually, see... .
- [Quietly to J.D]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: It's wing-man time.
- [to Kylie]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: We were playing basketball, and he scored eight buckets in a row on yours truly.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah. I ally-ooped him.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Under breath] Shut up.
- Kylie: [to James] Mmm! You coulda used J.D. at Seton Hall!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [to J.D] Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called, and they said--
- [to James]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You played ball at Seton Hall?
- James: All four years.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Get outta here!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Did-did-did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, they're out of broth. So what was like playing college ball?