- Estelle Costanza: Where have you been? You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
- Frank Costanza: I fell on some Fusilli
- Estelle Costanza: Fusilli?
- Frank Costanza: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
- Estelle Costanza: The proctologist? Are you okay?
- Frank Costanza: Yeah.
- Estelle Costanza: Oh, I was so worried.
- [grabs a couple of tissues from the box]
- George Costanza: Ma, don't cry!
- Estelle Costanza: Oh, I can't help it!
- George Costanza: Ma, your eyes!
- Frank Costanza: [while on his way to confront Kramer for making a pass at his wife, he spot's Kramer's ASSMAN vanity license plate and immediately becomes embroiled in rage] ASSMAN? I'll give him ASSMAN!
- [Kramer pulls into a doctors only parking space]
- Security Guard: Can I help you?
- Cosmo Kramer: [points at the ASSMAN license plate] Dr. Cosmo Kramer, proctology.
- Security Guard: Oh ok
- Cosmo Kramer: Have a good day.
- George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
- George Costanza: What do they say?
- Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Assman?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
- George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
- Jerry Seinfeld: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. Proctologist.
- George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
- Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?
- Dr. Howard Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.
- Cosmo Kramer: So... you're the Assman.
- [Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting]
- Frank Costanza: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
- Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George.
- George Costanza: No, you're not out there.
- Estelle Costanza: I am, too!
- George Costanza: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
- George Costanza: [about mechanics] Well of course they're trying to screw you! What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything; nobody knows! "Why, well you need a new johnson rod in here." Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well better put one of those on!
- Cosmo Kramer: [hands Jerry a pasta figure] There you go, buddy.
- Jerry Seinfeld: What is it?
- Cosmo Kramer: It's fusilli Jerry. It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
- Jerry Seinfeld: When did you do this?
- Cosmo Kramer: In my spare time.
- Frank Costanza: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?
- Estelle Costanza: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.
- Frank Costanza: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
- Estelle Costanza: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.
- Frank Costanza: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!
- Cosmo Kramer: Hey, Frank.
- Frank Costanza: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife!
- Frank Costanza: Where's your friend Kramer?
- Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know. Why?
- Frank Costanza: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.
- Jerry Seinfeld: What do you mean?
- Frank Costanza: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows!
- [Demonstrates]
- Frank Costanza: Hmmph! I stopped short.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Really, stopping short. That's a good move.
- Frank Costanza: You're not kidding it's a good move!
- Cosmo Kramer: [reading the note on his windshield] Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for."
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, David.
- David Puddy: Oh, hi, Jerry.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
- David Puddy: What move?
- Jerry Seinfeld: What move? My move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
- David Puddy: Your move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.
- Jerry Seinfeld: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had nothing
- David Puddy: Oh, that ending was so obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Swirl
- David Puddy: Whatever. I don't even do it.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the pinch.
- David Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You can't come up with your own stuff, so you steal other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.
- Nancy Klopper: Oh my God! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?
- George Costanza: It's a very complicated move. I couldn't remember it all.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: The worse part about a car breaking down is when you're out on the road, you're a guy, 'cause now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you're doing. You gotta go, "All right, honey, I'm gonna go check it out." Walk around the front, open up the hood. That's good 'cause it obscures her view. That's the main reason you wanna do that. You're lookin' in there. You know, you're hoping you're going to see something in there so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix, even you can handle it, like a giant on/off switch turned off.