The Simpsons (TV Series)
Bart the Fink (1996)
Hank Azaria: Executor, Comic Book Guy, Clerk #2, Cayman Islands Banker, IRS Agent #2, Auctioneer, Moe Szyslak, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Superintendent Chalmers, Chief Wiggum, Captain McAllister
Quotes
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Cayman Islands Bank Manager : [Chuckles] I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information about that customer's secret, illegal account.
[Hangs up]
Cayman Islands Bank Manager : Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... Oh, crap! I *certainly* shouldn't have said it was illegal!
[Sits back, fanning himself]
Cayman Islands Bank Manager : Ah, it's too hot today.
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[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud]
Krusty the Clown : I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best.
IRS Agent 1# : Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty the Clown : *Garnish* my *celery*?
IRS Agent 1# : Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty the Clown : Who's joking? Oy! Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me.
IRS Agent #2 : It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
Krusty the Clown : But I don't plan to live that long.
IRS Agent 1# : [to his colleague] Well, better make it 95%.
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Bart Simpson : [notices a food stall sign reading "100 tacos for $100"] Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
Marge Simpson : [grabs him] No!
[Comic Book Guy exits the store, rolling a wheelbarrow filled with tacos]
Comic Book Guy : Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
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Chief Wiggum : Okay, folks, show's over, nothing to see here, the show's - OH MY GOD! A HORRIBLE PLANE CRASH! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage. Come on, crowd around! Crowd around, don't be shy, crowd around.
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Superintendent Chalmers : Well, I must say I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of...
Agnes Skinner : [the front door opens] Seymour!
Principal Skinner : Mother... Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers : Skinner!
Principal Skinner : What I wouldn't give for something to interrupt this awkward moment.
[Krusty flies by in his plane, bawling]
Principal Skinner : That'll do nicely.
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Auctioneer : Lot 67, 32 cartons of pornography.
Jasper : Ten cents.
Phone Bidder Proxy : 12!
Auctioneer : 12 cents to our bidder in Japan. Any advance?
Jasper : [sitting down] Oh, all I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.
Auctioneer : Sold for twelve cents!
Krusty the Clown : [anguished] Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.
Auctioneer : How much for Krusty's bed?
Moe Szyslak : Half a buck!
Auctioneer : Sold!
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Auctioneer : And now, lot number 2,380, Krusty's private plane, the I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay.
Krusty the Clown : But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night, he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
Patty Bouvier : Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.
Selma Bouvier : Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.
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Krusty the Clown : They took my money. They wrecked my show. They buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.
[entering, he sees an auction going on]
Auctioneer : And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of Krustiana. What am I bid?
Selma Bouvier : 40 cents.
Auctioneer : [after rapid auctioneer babble] Sold for 40 cents!
Krusty the Clown : 40 cents? Ach! My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.
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Executor : May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your great-aunt Hortense. As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.
Homer Simpson : [crying] Poor Aunt Hortense! Whoo-hoo.
[crying a little harder]
Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo.
Executor : The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.
Marge Simpson : Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual?
Executor : No. It's a standard clause.
Homer Simpson : Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.
[cut to them arriving at the house]
Homer Simpson : Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.
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Homer Simpson : [after spending the night in a haunted house] Best night's sleep I ever had.
Lisa Simpson : Their tap water tasted better than ours.
Executor : Here you go. $100 each. The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.
Homer Simpson , Marge Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : Hmm?
Executor : Oh, I'm sorry. I must have continued talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes.
[laughing diabolically, he turns to leave]
Executor : Oh, my.
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Captain McAllister : Ahoy there, minnows.
Bart Simpson : [blowing up a Krusty balloon] Ahoy. Have you seen this man?
Captain McAllister : Arr, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers!
[a little person with a face like Krusty's comes out and starts dancing and playing his accordion]
Lisa Simpson : [Bart blows the balloon up some more] No, we're looking for this man, Krusty the Clown.
Captain McAllister : Mmm. Narr, narr, narr.
Lisa Simpson : It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks, from pier one to that Pier 1 by pier 17.
Bart Simpson : [as they leave, he notices a list of people from whom checks aren't accepted] Lisa, look. A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's.
Lisa Simpson : Rory B. Bellows. Slip 8. Let's go.
Captain McAllister : [as they leave, Bart flips a coin into Pete's cup] Not a quarter. Darr, he'll be dancing for hours.
