- Doctor: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat.
- [he looks and sees Homer eating a drumstick]
- Doctor: Hey, no eating in the tank!
- Homer Simpson: Go to hell.
- Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it.
- [building]
- Mr. Burns: But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...!
- [calms down]
- Mr. Burns: But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
- Blue Haired Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
- Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you...
- [shouts]
- Mr. Burns: I hate you all so much!
- [calms down]
- Mr. Burns: I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
- Blue Haired Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...
- [shouts]
- Mr. Burns: I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
- Blue Haired Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
- Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?
- Homer Simpson: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
- Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?
- Homer Simpson: I try, but I can't.
- [Homer is moping about his broken couch]
- Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, Homer. You lost your couch. I lost the heavyweight championship.
- Homer Simpson: [scoffs] Heavyweight championship... there's like three of those! That couch was one of a kind.
- Herb: Let me show you this.
- [Herb sets a drinking bird mechanism on the table]
- Homer: [amazed] It's drinking the water!
- Herb: Take it easy, Homer. Now, this device shows how a product, carefully marketed...
- Homer: This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!
- Herb: No, Homer, that invention is out already. Anyway ...
- Homer: [chuckling] Heheheheh, it's going back for more!
- Herb: [Herb is telling a bunch of fellow bums about how he lost a successful car company] Life was sweet. Then I found out I had a long lost half-brother. I let him
- [Homer]
- Herb: design a car that would either make or break my company. Forbes magazine called it "The Blunder of the Century". Little overblown, don't you think?
- Ned Flanders: [Ned has taken Herb in, and cleaned him up] If you want to stay the night... Maude and I can sleep on card tables.
- Marge Simpson: How was work today?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough... .
- Herb: [about to meet Homer again] What do I say to this guy? This is the guy who ruined me! On the other hand, he's family. So many emotions, how do I express them?
- Homer Simpson: [Opens the door and sees Herb] Herb?
- [Herb punches him across the face, and Homer collapses to the ground]
- Bart, Lisa: Unky Herb!
- Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so happy to see you.
- Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so happy to see me.
- Herb: I'm sorry. Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Everything you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
- Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the butt?
- Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.
- Herb: Now, Bart, you know you're too young for that machine gun, but I got you something that'll make sure that when you're old enough, you can still buy one: a membership in the National Rifle Association.
- Bart: Wow, the NRA! Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets, too?
- Herb: It's in the Constitution, son.